Ever wanted to give a big-time speech to some big-time crowd at a big-time conference? After attending NECC in Atlanta, then being stuck in Atlanta for a day because of bad weather in Dallas and after drinking way too many Cokes (the national drink of Atlanta) and iced mochas, I believe that I have discovered the ten-steps process to becoming a big-time keynote speaker. Simply follow this plan and you too can become rich and famous by hitting the rubber-chicken-keynote-circuit. Soon, you too will be headlining teacher technology events from Bangor to Bangkok. 

When you are rich and famous, or if you are asked to keynote at NECC in San Antonio,  you can thank me.

Step #1:  Give your Address a title that entices but gives no real information.

Start out with really ambiguous titles, using such words as “Educating in the Future: A Process Approach,” or “What the 21st Century Learner Looks Like.” Use these words, or any combination of these words for your title:

Start with a technical or educational jargon terms such as:

Brain Research

One on One

Classroom

Technology

Learner

Inviting

Techno

Technology

Internet

2.0 (or it’s derivatives: 3.0, 4.0 etc.)

Web

Blog (or it’s derivatives: Wiki, twitter, flitter, You Tube, etc.)

Thin client

Open source

Add a verb (gerunds work wonders here):

Inviting

Asking

Working

Enticing

Teaching

Utilize

Add a time:

21st Century

Future

Last Century

Last Week

Put those together in any order for a title:

“How the 21st Century Classroom is Enticing Future Learners with Open Source Thin Clients for Web 2.0 Learning.”

Step 2:  Make sure that everyone has figured out that you are an expert.

This is easily done, especially if you graduated, are in the process of graduating or have even driven by any Ivy League school in the country. The phrase “Attended Harvard” anywhere in the bio that is in the big-time conference catalog suggests that you are smarter than anyone you are talking to. So go ahead, drive to Boston, and attend some type of performance at one of the many concerts that are put on every year. You may, if you cannot actually afford to drive to Boston, visit the Harvard website. There, you attended Harvard. (You may also substitute MIT, Yale, Cal Tech, any other University that no one can verify that you attended. Do not, and I mean this sincerely, do not say at any time that you won a Pulitzer, Nobel, or Presidential Medal of Honor. People can actually look those things up on the internet.) You can also show your expertise by telling everyone that you just attended a major conference in some city like Athens, or Beijing, or have been invited to present at the next big conference.

Step 3:  Powerpoint your way to fame

You cannot speak without a Powerpoint presentation. How ANYONE spoke before Powerpoint is something sociologists will have to figure out in the future, but make sure that today, you have Powerpoint. (Can you imagine how much more effective Abe Lincoln would be if he only had some really good slides to back him up for that Gettysburg address thing? It boggles the mind.) Suffice it to say, the Powerpoint MUST also be much longer than your alloted time. This also gives the audience the impression that you have a lot more to say, if ONLY the big-time conference organizers had given you the three hours you REALLY wanted to spend. So go ahead and add about extra 20 slides with pictures. It doesn’t matter if the slides have your favorite Margarita recipes or not. It is the illusion that counts. Format accordingly and skip through them really fast, reminding the audience that you don’t have time to cover EVERYTHING in the presentation.

Step 4: Add Some You Tube Videos

Hilarious skateboarding dogs? Touching  Japanese car commercials? The latest version of that Web 2.0 movie? How about that one about how the Chinese have more Gifted Students than we have citizens? Heart jerking pithy story about how technology has changed some teachers life? It doesn’t matter. Sprinkle your speech with videos. Make sure you add some phrase like “This was made by a teacher that lives in the Antarctica” so that there is no possible way to verify it’s truthiness. Make sure that there is some “Chariots of Fire-like” music that swells to a crescendo at the end of each video, so that there is not a dry eye in the house at the end of each one. If you do that about 3 times during speech, you not only kill time, but you also win points from the crowd by tugging at their heart. Good for you. Always end your speech with a video. It doesn’t matter if it is a good one or even if it pertains to the subject. Be sure to use the much more benign term “Mash-Up” instead of the term “Copyright infringement.”

Step 5: Throw In Unverifiable Data

Nothing says “expert” like the following phrase: “The data shows....”  So go ahead, fill in the blank. You can say stuff that no one in their right mind would ever check, but you can use it to back up your point. “The data shows that Web 2.0 activities increase intelligence by at least 30 points in lab rats and first graders.” Educators love to hear the phrase “Data Driven Decision Making” even though they don’t know what it means. So go ahead, try this in your speech: “Because of Data Driven Decision Making, we have learned that the research points towards a decrease (or increase) in test scores based on the Web 2.0 technologies.”

Step 6: Drop the “F Bomb”

In this case the F Bomb is not what you think. The F Bomb is the “Flat Earth” bomb. Be able to link your speech, in any way possible way, to the book “The World is Flat.” It does not matter if your speech is about interactive white boards and has nothing to do with the book. As an example, while training on Smartboards, when you get to the point about how the boards are solid white flat surfaces, go ahead and say “By the way, like these whiteboards, the world is flat , how many of you have read Thomas Friedman’s book “The World is Flat?” How many, show your hands? Well, you need to read it.”  By saying this, it makes it look like you are well read, and that you know more than the audience, as in step  #2 above (You may also try more obscure books, with obscure titles,  by obscure authors that are no longer in print.) Mentioning books like “A Whole New Mind,” “The Rise of the Creative Class” or “The Joy of Sex 2.0” or a brain research book also works, but the F Bomb always makes people think you are smart and in touch.

Step 7: Name Drop after the F Bomb

Wait until after the F Bomb in order to do a major name drop. Do it subtly. “When I was flying in to (name city of speech here) I was talking to Steve about the  next big thing. Did I say Steve? I meant of course, Steve JOBS, you know, from Apple Computers?” Or “The other day, the governor and I were having lunch/dinner/belly shots at Hooters, and we were talking about his/my new initiative which involves the 21st Century Classroom and Enticing Future Learners. Always make sure you are much better connected than your audience will ever be.

Step 8: Restate the obvious over and over and over

Be sure to tell your audience that kids are learning in the 21st century.

Be sure to tell the audience that this IS the 21st century.

Tell your audience that most of them, okay, all of them, were born in the 20th century.

Remind them that they are OLDER than the youth of today.

Tell them that kids play video games.

Tell them that video games are better today than they were in the days of Pong and Pac Man.

Tell them that there are these things called “blogs.”

Tell then that kids learn by SEEING things.

Remind them that video is something that can be seen on the internet.

Say the following phrases to assure your audience that you are aware and “in touch” with the younger generation and with other schools that are doing a hell of a lot more than their schools:

iPods

Multiuser gaming environment

Online gaming

“Kids these days can do multiple things at the same time: They can “multitask.”

Online Chat

Wiki

Blog

Second Life

World of Warcraft

Podcasting

Step 9: Promise Your Presentation Will Be Online

You say this so that everyone will pay attention to you and not write down what you are saying. Make sure that you plug your website multiple times during your presentation by saying that you will have all slides and all handouts online. It doesn’t matter that you have no intention of ever putting your stuff online. They will believe you and they will not take notes, thus forgetting everything you said. Also, drop words like “Creative Commons Usage” and promise them that whatever is online they will be able to use. Make sure that when they get to your website, it really is just a big plug for either your next Keynote presentation “Be sure to catch Larry at “The Future is Ahead of Us Conference” in Uzbekistan in November,” or “Larry’s new book is “Education in the Future: A Process Approach.” Don;t tell them that they have to look for it online because no real publisher would have anything to do with it.

Step 10: Guarantee that whatever you say will be worthless in a few months

Nothing builds confidence in an audience like telling them you cannot predict what is going to happen next, and that the information you are giving them will be worthless in short order. This way, they will need to hire you again next year for the update, or for version 2.0 of your current speech. They will feel that, through you, they are still in touch with the future, which they suspect, lies ahead of them.

So there you are, ten steps to big-time conference keynote-giving happiness.

You can thank me when the offers start pouring in.

And hey, I am available for hire.