Thoughts and Words

Do Not Fear, My Little Angel!

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 14:49:21 -0800

Just when Jadon seems to have finally gotten over his fear of death and aliens, Kalon is now struggling with the concept of death and the notion that we, including his mom & dad, his brother and himself, will all one day cease to live.

Thus my 6-year-old keeps asking the questions: “Is there such a thing as heaven? What’s it like?” “Do people living in heaven have their young age or their old age?” “Do they still live together like a family?”

“Who goes to hell?” “What if you made some mistakes in life do you still get to go to heaven but not hell?”

And more philosophically, “What if you don’t believe in God? Do you still go to heaven?”

When he heard about buddhism, about afterlives, he seemed even more confused, and he didn’t like the notion that we may one day return as total strangers or even animals.

He cried, as his mother tried to offer him comfort. “Don’t you worry Kalon! You know when mom was your age, I used to worry a lot about death too! I used to cry when I went to sleep thinking that 100 years later I would no longer be living. But you know what, life is so long, and your mom and dad will always love you....”

Kalon cried harder.

“You know we will live a long long life to be 120 years old! Then mom and dad will go to heaven and rest there. Many many years later we will all meet there and be a family again.”

I know this was no consolation, as I even began to feel the sadness.

“Let’ not talk about this anymore! It makes me so sad! I don’t want to hear about this anymore!” Kalon turned sad and angry, and holding my hands, he soon fell asleep.

I laid there still, my head fruitlessly searching for a perfect explanation to the fundamental truth about life – that death is as definite as birth to complete the cycle of one life.

Whether the substance or spirit of life moves to a higher place, whether we come back in our afterlives, the only truth about life is that all beings will die someday. But hopefully we will leave something ever-lasting behind, our heritage through our offspring, our goodwill and impact on earth, on other lives.

I think the goal of our lives should not be one that’s driven by the desire to go to heaven, or to seek a glorious afterlife. Instead, it is how we live the days, the years that life gives us as a gift, and how we can leave a permanent impact behind us.

Our children, our good deeds. The love we pass down from our hands to our children’s and onto the little ones of their children. The memories and stories count, and so does every step of the way we take in life that leads us to a better world, for ourselves and for generations to come. Generation after generation bearing our names, our beliefs and our spirits.

......

Good night my little angel. Indeed your mom never found a good answer to her quest in those dark rainy nights when she laid in bed feeling scared and sad. But like everyone else, she has discovered so much joy in life that she almost forgets what comes after. So let’s just not talk about it for now, like you said – “Don’t talk about it - it makes us sad!” We will just enjoy our happy lives now and enjoy having each other.

And we know when that day comes, hopefully in no sooner than 50 years, both you and I will know that we actually do believe in all those things we talked about, in a beautiful heaven that will eventually reunite us, and in afterlife that gives us a chance to come back and visit our loved ones, and in carrying on our spirits and heritage to infinity and beyond.

Have no fear, my little angel! Good night & have just sweet dreams. Mom is here, holding your hands, and will always be with you.

Groovy Kind of Love

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:08:40 -0800

Sentimental week for me. And I’m listening to Phil Collins.

His songs mark the youth, the love and dream I had back in my 20’s.

“Groovy Kind of Love” in particular had my 25th birthday etched in it. On this day 21 years ago, “Happy Birthday” was sung for me by a big crowd, in front of the new factory that Alcan (Aluminum Canada) and Nippon Metals and China Non-Ferrous Metals jointly built and owned.

That night alone in my tiny apartment contrasted by the attention and affection I received during the day, I was extremely lonely, and confused about what my future held for me. The radio was playing “Groovy Kind of Love”.

Even back in college and graduate school, my friends all predicted that for sure I would later end up somewhere in America, supposedly judging by how academically well I was doing and how socially popular I was in college running an English Club and engaging myself in all kinds of activities. I ignored what people said and passed up on TOFEL and GRE tests that many friends were busy preparing to take in order to study in America. Instead, I went to Shen Zhen after earning my Master’s in 1988.

Shen Zhen was the Brave New World, the hottest place in China for life-changing opportunities. I got a job at Alcan China working for a Canadian general manager running solo in the Production Control department.

That following year changed my life.

My special relationship with the general manager of Alcan China, a true gentleman and a great family man, sparked passion and feelings that neither of us had felt before. And it was then my dream came alive that I wanted to travel to and perhaps live in North America.

And it was groovy kind of love....

He bought me dictionaries and TOFEL study materials in Hong Kong where he and his family lived as expatriates.

I wrote poems in English, poems of love, of confusion and of yearning for answers in destiny.

He wrote many notes, self-help letters trying to find answers himself about why he was drawn to young girl half his age. “Beauty, youth, intelligence.... But I only care for her and it is my family that I love!” (I actually never thought I was beautiful).

After an intense but short few months, he decided to move back to Canada with his frustrated family.

I cried all day and for days that followed, listening to Phil Collins. “One More Night”, “Groovy Kind of Love”....

In 1990, I stepped for the first time on the soil of the United States. Though that two-month visit to US and Europe was sponsored by Dupont, the seed of finding a future in America only budded when my heart was melted away by “Groovy Kind of Love” on that lonely evening of my 25th birthday.

Yes on that January 13th 21 years ago, I knew my destiny was away from home, in a new home that was to be discovered only by me, with the silent guidance from those who I loved and who loved me, my family, my friends, and a very special man whose path and mine crossed at a special time, though briefly, leaving a striking milestone for both our lives.

Like he said, I had a whole future in front of me. Indeed great things happened in the past 21 years, everything I ever dreamed of having in my destiny.

How about him? I only hope that his return to his home country brought eventual peace and happiness to him and to his family.

Will he still think about me once in a long while like I do?

And was there anything, anything at all that happened 21 years ago that made it worthwhile for him as his journey in life continued?

“When I’m feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at you, then I’m not so blue....”

For all that’s in the past and all that is in the future, Happy Birthday!!!

In Passive Denial

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:14:26 -0800

January 13th, aka my birthday, used to be my favorite, the proudest day.

Since when did I start to avoid it mentally as if it turned from a lucky charm to a bad omen? I know, since the first January 13th after my second child was born - when I completed my child-bearing destiny in life!

That was back in 2004. Needless to say, another 6 years have just passed since then. (God have mercy!)

I think the first phase was “Positive Denial”. I tried to still have a celebration of a happy birthday, in denial of the number of candles on the cake.

Then I hit this second phase, which is what I’m going through now: “Passive Denial”. I wish to avoid the next birthday as if it were a demon. I do not want this next birthday to arrive, as least not so soon. I feel depressed & oppressed by it.

The whole denial phase I suppose will last for about a decade. Then, hopefully I’ll settle in a totally new phase called “Silent Protest”, which actually is a stage post-denial. In this phase I would pretend nothing has or is happening each year as the additional candle pops up on the cake.

Then it would be a couple of decades of “Indifference”, a stage where I finally have come to peaceful grips with the age or aging thing, but still refuse to acknowledge or make a big deal out of it.

Then finally, finally, I will be happy like a child again as each birthday comes around, celebrating life and being alive.

And I certainly hope that the final utopia of celebrating life each year will bring me true joy and pride again on the most special of the year for my entire life – January 13th. And I will be paying tribute to this date as it indeed has been a lucky charm for my life.

But now, still decades before that, my dear birthday, allow me to be a bad teen, bitching something about nothing, being pouty just because I can.

Just because I’m in denial that I am no longer a troubled a teen writing poetry about something I had no idea what it was, or in my confused twenties when I thought I’d never make it out there in the real world, or a go-getter thirty-something flying business class to Japan or holding a chubby baby in my arms....

But on the other hand, hey I am in my NO-CONFUSION years according to the Chinese doctrine, although I do get this foggy confusing even depressing feeling right around January 13th.

Other than that, life is perfect for me. No confusion about that – thank goodness.

Shall I say the magic words to myself? No I won’t say it out loud. Secretly perhaps.

Get over it? Someday, like I said, in another decade or so.

My Kind of Wilderness

Wed, 6 Jan 2010 12:21:25 -0800

The second that my iPhone had signal again when we drove out Death Valley, I posted on Facebook, “Like with people, you can instantly connect with a place. Death Valley, my kind of wilderness: vastly grand, generously open. Under its rough appearance it's so gentle, so soothing, so encompassing. It has a huge heart that belongs to the sun, to the endless desert and human beings who come to seek refuge, comfort and love.”

I had few expectations of Death Valley before we went there. Yes lots of desert – sort of what you’d expect in that part of the country.

But I fell in love almost instantly with this place of majesty.

Winter in Death Valley is a God-sent retreat, opposite of its hellish name given after the historic 49er‘s saga fighting their lives out of death in scarce resources in the valley. There is no danger of avalanches, or risk of getting lost in the amazon. For the most part, you don’t need to worry about wild animals, endangered species and natural habitats that make you only a nature observer staying on marked trails as opposed to being nature’s participant.

Sun and wind paint the desert landscape and form sculptures that are constantly changing and evolving. Although it’s the second largest national park, Death Valley allows you the greatest freedom to enjoy nature’s bounty of beauty the way you most naturally do, with your feet, your hands and your own feelings and senses. There are beaten paths but often they get erased as the sun and wind continue their master non-stop work of desert sculpting. As with most places in Death Valley, you are part of the natural force and are enchanted to be part of the landscape, to walk on, and to play in any place that you can get to safely.

On the afternoon we arrived, we drove out 20 miles into the desert to Badwater, 282 ft below sea level, the lowest point in the Western Hemisphere.

Salt crystals and sand massaged together to form a mirage of sea, dark blue velvety surface with gentle white ripples and waves.

I followed the other worshippers and started walking towards the sea of salt and sand. The surprisingly large salt content emerged from underground made the path look like an icy field. But contrary to ice and snow, the field of salty sand is so firm, secure and soothing to walk on. There was almost a sacred feeling under my feet, a magic power that propelled me forward. I kept on walking, walking, on the smooth path that others before me had paved with their feet, and a mile beyond into the ripples and waves of the land of virgin island made with salt and sand by earth, sun and wind.

The sun had just sat, leaving rosy clouds spread across the horizon, reflecting its warm touches on the ice-looking ocean of salt and sand. Astonishingly beautiful. A near-new moon began to rise above the faraway mountains. There I stood, staring into the distance blocked by nothing but my own vision, however far my eyes and imagination were able to reach.

Then I heard Jadon and Kalon’s cries calling for my attention. They started running towards me. In the field of the salty desert, we the tiny humans discovered a kind of unfamiliar joy bestowed graciously by this place of majesty.

The next day, we continued our exploration in a different direction. There we found the sand dunes, this time, pure pure sand dunes formed daily, hourly and momentarily, again by the sun, earth and the wind. Only these sand dunes were meant to be pure play grounds. The humans took off their shoes and started trekking the dunes, one after another. They set a goal for the tallest dune in the distance, and only became enchanted to chase another rainbow of sand once they stood atop the one they had just conquered.

The sand dunes humbly offered their golden chests and limbs that spread out like an endless body of God of Sun. Humans – adults and children alike, walked, ran, dug, rolled, tumbled, slid, laughed, screamed.... It was another newly found joy totally unfamiliar to them and a new kind of joy never felt before.

Then the sun started to lower. Shadows of the sand dunes reminded us people that it was time for us to leave, as after the sun goes down, the desert only belongs to the wind.

The third day we were driving out of Death Valley. We couldn’t help but stop at a couple of places along the way with Mars-like terrain of rocks and hill formations. We again explored what the desert presented to us at that time and place. We stood on top of a hill scattered with rocks and lava stones. We could see the faraway ocean of desert, being sculpted by wind and sun. We could feel the sensation in the air, that this place is of ultimate tranquility, a kind of spirituality that can only be bestowed but not asked for, sought but not looked for.

We left Death Valley. But a piece of our hearts stayed there. Our spirits were lifted, enriched and kindled by the desert sun, wind, sand and rocks. We left part of us there.

And we brought so much of it with us home. When the sun rises, when the night falls, I feel I have just made a distant yet intimate friend, a sole mate.

Death Valley has etched a mark in our hearts and minds. Yes it has, and we will trace our way out there again.

And I will walk miles on that sacred ocean of salt again.

This Is IT: The Family Decade

Tue, 5 Jan 2010 15:18:24 -0800

So officially the holiday season is over. Our grand year-end celebration in Vegas and Death Valley is over.

And a new year, a new decade has begun.

Like last year, we took a road trip for this year’s holiday celebration. We checked into the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas after 10 hours on the road the day after Christmas. After three nights in Vegas we left for Death Valley for our year-end retreat in the desert, reconnecting with nature. Then after an awesome two days in Death Valley rolling in the sand and trekking the mars-like terrain with magnificent rock and sand dunes, we headed back to Vegas for the New Year party. We stayed at the beautiful Venetian, finishing off our vacation with great food in fine Italian restaurants serenaded by opera singers, and enjoyed a great new year celebration watching the fireworks.

To our pleasant surprise, now that our kids are 9 and 6, we only needed to make two gas and bathroom stops on the 10-hour trips – as opposed to stopping every couple of hours for food, bathroom, or just calming down a fussy baby.

And when climbing the sand dunes in Death Valley, Tim and I discovered quickly that our boys are now running faster, going farther if they want to, than their parents, particularly their mom. I was dragging my feet in the sand, watching in vain my children getting further and further ahead of me. “Stop! Don’t go too fast too far! Wait for me!!!”

Tim joked that someday when we go on a road trip as a family, we would be asking the kids, “Hey guys, you mind your mother and I make a quick stop at the next gas station? Our bladders aren’t working as well as yours you know!”

It was truly a daunting moment when we realized that our kids are now on the same bathroom schedule as us on road trips, and their legs work better than ours trekking in the desert, climbing up and dashing down hills.

With that mind-boggling discovery, a new year starts, and a decade begins that will turn our kids from little school boys into big teenagers, perhaps taller than their dad.

OH MY GOD! Is that thrilling? I mean horrifying, that my kids are going to totally grow up in the next 10 years? Totally???

I thought of the last concert Michael Jackson was preparing to give before he collapsed to his sudden death: THIS IS IT was the name of his concert.

I told Tim on New Year’s Eve, sentimentally, philosophically, and helplessly: THIS IS IT! This is our family’s last 10 years to be together, to enjoy the prime time, and peak.

As with any prime time or peak season, what comes after that is a decline. If the past 10 years that just flew by was super sweet tender budding youth of our family building up to its empire state, THIS IS IT, we are having the empire state now. And don’t ask, don’t need to, don’t want to even think what comes after this decade.

So Year 1 has just commenced.

In shock, but fully aware. This is a totally new decade, starting with a trip when for the first time we didn’t have to stop at any fast food place to let the boys out loose from the car, and a journey when the boys demonstrated their skills and strengths by going twice as fast and twice as far in our quest to reach the next sand dune in the desert.

This is IT. So be IT. May all the wonderful things and good luck and great fortune we’ve had in the past decade continue into this new decade. 10 years from now when I look back, I will admit, today I indeed only expect the most surprisingly great, the most satisfying wonders for the next 10 years and even greater will unfold than I could have imagined today.

Happy New Year! And Happy New Decade! May this year be a great one, and may this decade be one that is so good, so marvelous, so magical that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to repeat, to top. Because this is the only decade we have left for the empire state of our family. The Very Best, for each of our family, I’m praying for us at the dawn of this decade.

For Jadon, may you end this new decade in a great college, you being so handsome, healthy, intelligent, sunny and bright like the rising sun. May courage but not fear accompany you as you march into your adulthood. May you always be a happy self-driven fun-loving kid at heart. Mom and Dad so adore that part of you and may it never be shadowed.

May you Kalon celebrate the ending of this decade with your wonderful high school experience, academically advanced and socially amiable, and able to control your hormones and stay cool in the middle of dizzying attention from those high school girls! May your super strength balance beautifully with the gentle and sweet side of your heart that makes you so unique and precious, my super baby boy.

May both of you enjoy the best possible childhood and adolescence with the most fun, great education and treasured memories that will help shape your life and character.

And Tim my dear, may this decade bring unparalleled strength, youthfulness, and joy to you as you shoulder the family responsibility of being a role model for the boys, for being the roof and pillar to our life as a family.

And may I dance to my peak, redefine beauty in maturity and inner source of ever lasting youth. And may I provide power when the guys need a recharge, and the home when they return. May I be the comfort and love for my family, and may they receive so much from their mom that I will pass on part of me forever, not just in their blood but in their spirit, with them when they are ready to move on with their lives.

May my dear parents continue their good health. May they live well into their 80’s and celebrate their American grandchildren’s high school graduation, either here or back at home in China, not only spiritually, but physically as well.

And may every wish my sister has today for her son and for herself come true. May we live closer than we are today, separated by the Pacific Ocean.

May the world not withstand another 9/11 or financial meltdown. May peace and prosperity accompany our family into its prime.

Happy New Year!

And This Is IT: THE decade of our family, the ultimate prime of our lives.