Vol. 1: Quitnet.org Poetry Slam, Round 1: The Limerick

August 21, 1998
 
 

CelticCrone:

The crone finally bothered to listen 

to her boyfriend's complaints about kissing. 

She's quit smoking two weeks. 

Her breath no longer reeks, 

But some parts of her brain are now missing. 

ToddL:

Cigarettes are now for me verboten. 

I've been warned by a strong Minnesotan 

to keep it in mind 

that she'll kick my behind 

to Duluth if she catches me smokin. 

... 

I don't think it has ever been spoken 

That it's easy to give up your smokin. 

Nicotine's so compelling 

we find ourselves smelling 

old butts on the sidewalk, no jokin. 

Barrister:

There once was a young man from Hoboken 

Who was terribly addicted to smokin'. 

He said, "It's a Lucky Strike 

That I Like, 

I just wish that I could stop chokin'." 

... 

So the man from New Jersey cut down 

And finally quit with a frown. 

"It's like losin' a pal," 

He complained to his gal, 

"But it beats having teeth stained all brown." 

KateW

I quit smoking on May Twenty-two, 

Didn't smoke for eight weeks, mind you, 

Till I sang karaoke, 

and had just one smokie, (okay, that's bad) 

Now my quit feels just like Deja-Vu. 

... 

Time passes, it comes and it goes, 

We gain back the sense in our nose, 

Sometimes we feel dazzled, 

But mostly we're frazzled, 

At times we are chewing our toes. 

HilaryB (Limerick of the Vermont Style):

I decided way back in may- 

When I started smokin more than a pack a day_ 

that it was really getting expensive 

and I knew the quit was going to be intensive. 

But I put down the smokes 

Although my friends thought it was a hoax 

I've proven them wrong every in every way! 

Cheevers:

There was a young quitter who whined 

Why can't I? she constantly opined 

Her friends told her no 

One toke and you go 

Back to where all is not fine. 

Eve3:

There was a late bloomer from St. Lou 

Flaming and huffing and puffing and gagging was all 

she ever seemed to do 

Til she gave quitting a try 

Four days now, oh my! 

Doin the Zyban shuffle and hanging with you. 

Marva:

In the first post-quit months I went nuts, 

Would have done anything for some butts, 

Though its much better now 

I still don't know how 

I went from "no spine" to some guts. 

NancySu

There once was a quitter named ToddL 

On the Q he was known to dawdle. 

He wrote lots of verse 

That was really perverse 

And drove all his friends to the bottle! 

Jade Mitchell:

In my chaise I would suck on a slim butt 

While the fumes would be poisening my pup 

I tossed them away 

Where the dog used to play 

How could I have killed spotty! the poor mutt..... 

Kimba5:

There once was a smart girl from Cali 

Who decided to smoke all the day and dally 

... 

Her lungs they grew weaker 

and her skin like a tweaker 

... 

That smokins' no fun 

And my brain won't do a pun 

She said as her spirit felt bleaker 

... 

The days will be long 

The smoke will be gone 

and the girl will be seen in her sleepers . . . . 

... 

The days will pass in and nights she'll pass out 

cuz the meds make her anxiety fall deeper 

... 

She keeps checking into the Q with her hopes 

There are many days those folks throw long ropes 

... 

and . . . 

She really doesn't want more smokes. . . . 

... 

The Demon is deadly 

And black lungs are ROT!! 

... 

So remember the girl!! She'll never be caught! 

Yep, never with a cigarette!!! Absolutely Not! 

SaraC:

I started when I was 18 

An affair with old Nicotine. 

He lied from the start 

But I finally got smart 

And left him on April 13. 

... 

At first he was quite hard to leave. 

His efforts to make me believe 

That he would be missed 

Were hard to resist, 

But I pushed him away and I grieved. 

... 

What I did was log onto the Q 

Where with luck I found many friends who 

Are not nonchalant 

But all of them want 

To quit Nic as much as I do. 

... 

The Social Director is ToddL 

Who plans contests for us that are so swell. 

There's poem and song 

That make time march along 

And we're glad that we no longer smell. 

... 

A few have sucumbed to old Nic 

But after were really quite sick 

They got back on the wagon 

There'd be no more draggin' 

On smokes. They'll have no more cigs. 

... 

There once was a party for Kate 

Because she had set a new date. 

No smokes were allowed 

A nonsmokin crowd 

Left a mess cleaned up by her mate. 

... 

Together we laugh, cry, and joke, 

But most of us no longer smoke 

Often we're tempted 

But none are exempted 

From the risk that just one could provoke. 

... 

So I'm happy to be quite free 

From the evils of nicotine. 

It's hard to believe 

that I could achieve 

My hat and my front row seat. 

DonnaK:

CONGRATULATIONS!! 
 
 

If I had some candles I'd blow 'em. 

But instead I'll try writing a poem. 

Not as good as ToddL, 

But, hey, what the hell, 

It ain't Shakespeare but maybe I'll show 'em... 

Vol. 1, Limericks | Vol. 2, Jingles | Vol. 3, Spontaneous | Vol. 4, Food-related | Contents

The Quitnet Book of Rhymes

Vol. 2: Quitnet.org Poetry Slam, Round 2: The Jingle

September 10, 1998

The Quitnet Jingle...A Challenge

KateW

Reach back...in your minds...find an old tv commercial jingle...like...hmmmm...Dr. Pepper? 

I'm a quitter, 

Todd's a quitter, 

even HillyBee's a quitter, 

Wouldn't you like to be a quitter, too? 

NancySu's a quitter, 

Lee's a quitter, 

Cheevers and SaraC are quitters, 

Wouldn't you like to be a quitter, too 

Be a quitter, yeah, be a quitter 

(whistle) 

Jade Mitchell 

"That's what healthy lungs are -mmmmmmm mmmmmmm good." 

Strange, I had soup for lunch.... 

Celtic Crone 

My web group has a first name. 

It's "The Q-U-I-T." 

My web group has a second name. 

It's "Net dot O-R-G." 

Oh, I love to come each day and see 

the words that so inspire me 

Quitnet helps me stay smokefree 

with S-U-P-P-O-R-T. 

 

Cheevers 
 

Here's the story 

Of a bunch of quitters 

They were a crazy, looney, silly, wacky crowd 

And they all bought hats together 

And virtually danced around and sang their songs out loud 

The Quitting Bunch 

The Quitting Bunch 

That's why we are called The Quitting Bunch 
(doo deedoo dee dum)

Social_Scientist 
 

You deserve a breath today 

so now throw all those cigs away 

at the QuitNet! 
 

ToddL 
 

Quitsters, meet the Quitsters 

They're the modern cyberfamily 

From the town of Quitsville 

They are making smoking history 
Breathe deep, and you'll see it's really neat 

to have lungs that don't go tweet tweet tweet 

When you're with the Quitsters 

You'll get stupid as can be, then, 

just kind of dumb, then, 

you'll just be fence-post dull. 
 

Quitsters, meet the Quitsters 

They're the modern cyberfamily 

From the town of Quitsville 

They are making smoking history 
 

Later, you'll feel like you thought you might 

Then you'll know the big quit is in sight 

When you're with the Quitsters 

Have a kill-that-evil-twin time, 

you're-gonna-win time 

This is the one last time. 

 

Jingles contributed June 18, 1999

 

PEZgirl    Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale a tale of the faithful corps Who took a vow on April Fools' to throw Nic out the door. The Queen was a silly Pezzie girl And summoned all who dared To take the oath and strike a blow But she was still scared. But she was still scared.  Responses started pouring in The Royal Court was made. Because of the courage of Quittin' Fools Nicodemon was slayed. Nicodemon was slayed.  The Fools hold court every Suckday morn  and sound off loud and proud There's Capricorn, and mulder too, Sirs Todd & Bob, and jflei There's giventime ... Lady Allie and Liiza too Here on Quittin' Fools isle	PEZgirl

 

 

Shelly30 

Well we are moving on up to the free side.
We have finally have a piece of the pie....
We are moving on up to the free side
a place far away from the smell...
Well we are moving on up to the free 
side to a place far away from the stares..
Moving on up to the top of the pride...
We finally have a piece of the prize...
We are moving on up to the free side
We finally have a piece of the pride...
Far away from the smell of the cigs...
Moving on up to the east side we finally
have a piece of the prize....... 

Vol. 1, Limericks | Vol. 2, Jingles | Vol. 3, Spontaneous | Vol. 4, Food-related | Contents

The Quitnet Book of Rhymes

Vol. 3: Poems of a spontaneous nature, written in various styles.

Well, heck...I love this place warts and all. 
KateW

Technical problems, 

Occasional spars, 

Laughter and tears, 

No you can't smoke cigars. 

Zyban and patches, 

Skittles® and gum, 

Sometimes it's too hectic, 

But never ho-hum. 

Forums and chatting, 

Whispers, q-mail, 

Profiles and News, 

The occasional Fail. 

Newbies and Elders, 

New names, old names, 

Serious questions, 

Limericks and games. 

Good news and bad news, 

Old ways and new trends, 

I came here for help, 

Surprise! I've found friends. 

 

How to Celebrate 300 days!

Pic

 

Twas the night before 300 

and all through my head 

was wondering about how to celebrate 

300 days without dread. 

The early quit was sleeping 

safely tucked in my past 

and now one day at a time 

the quit was going to last 

when in the midst of my bliss 

there arose that nic-demon clatter 

So I checked into the Q to remind me 

how much smobriety matters 

Then what on my glowing 

computer screen should appear 

but dozens of posts and a few 

"hey, I'm new here" 

And I thought to myself 

as I browsed through the site 

happy quitstop to all 

and to all a good night. 

An Ode To Sparcal 
CelticCrone

Roses grow in the sun. 

Hosta grows in the shade. 

Sparcal's quit for one month. 

Where the hell's her parade? 

One week anniversary poem... 
Donna K.

I have gotten thru seven whole days 

Without cigs. Let me count out the ways 

That I feel good, 

Like I knew that I would. 

Now I know that quitting really pays. 

My pulse rate is 20 beats slower 

Now that I am no longer a blower. 

My chest isn't painful, 

I am no more complain-full 

Of symptoms. Can I think of more? 

I kiss my kids Hannah and Ben 

All the time-I sure didn't when 

I smelled badly of smoke 

It sure wasn't a joke 

That I distanced myself so from them. 

I am happy to feel so free 

Of the bonds that butts put on me. 

I want to keep going 

And just keep on showing 

Myself that I really value me!! 

To all of my friends at the Q, 

Here's a sincere and heartfelt THANK YOU. 

You have given me strength 

To add days to the length 

Of my quit. You can all do it, too! 

 

Untitled 
Forward

 

There was an old woman who lived for a smoke 

She dragged on so many her family went broke. 

She thought and she thought of what she should do 

And into the garbage the cigs, she threw! 

Thirty years of this habit, she thought with a pout 

She'd spent more life smoking than time spent without. 

It's time that I change this, she hikes up her jeans 

And now she is munching on Smucker's Jelly Beans! 

This is her second quit in less than a year 

But she faces it staunchly she has nothing to fear. 

And she types out these phrases, to seek readmission 

She sees that the Q is the way to her vision! 

Re: This is such a strange planet we inhabit. But it gives me an idea..... 
KateW

I know that to some, this will seem rather hokey, 

But I fell off the wagon, 

After Beer and Karaoke. 

Now I've quit again, so I feel there is no shame... 

Twas just a momentary lapse, Carly Simon is to blame! 

Re: Re: The 3 Millionth Time Is The Charm.... 
BroKen

It could be bad, 

It could be verse, 

But this damn habit 

Just gets worse. 

I gotta nip it In the bud, 

Before "BroKen"'s 

New name is "Mud"! 

The first snow nose I knows I knows 
tirsh

The first snows nose, i knows i knows 

As if the snow-gods heard my lament, 
or maybe that I smelled it in the air, 
much to my delight, this morning I woke up 
to find the first sticky dustings of snow. 

Before I could even see for sure, 
I sensed something familiar lying in bed, 
that characteristic quality to morning light 
when it reflects off'a the white fluffy. 

mm, snow. 
 
 
 

       Zep_ on 7/9/99 3:01:36 PM
 

                      Burning weed between my lips,
                      Puff and blow, away you go. 
                      Breath as sweet as Licking Street,
                      Kissing ashtrays - I hate you so.

                      Lungs so dark theyíre more than tan,
                      Fingers yellow hand to hand.
                      Tasty cough & crackling hack,
                      Nose to throat, my wheezins back.

                      Burning weed that puffs so white,
                      Two packs of fags, my head so lite.
                      Holes in clothes, clothes that smell,
                      Other folks, their nose can tell.

                      Burning weed, Iíll light no more,
                      I throw your butt right out the door.
                      I kill, divorce, disown, betray,
                      Be gone, be gone, get on your way!.

                      Take death back? No not me,
                      For joy ahead my heart doth see.
                      Raped senses heal while urge subsides,
                      Day by day Iím more alive.

More bad poetry 
From charlieann on 11/28/99 4:50:13 PM

 
Twas the month before Christmas, I was feeling quite pleased
16 days since I smoked 16 days since I wheezed

My ashtrays were stashed, my lighter long gone
The cravings more tolerable, not nearly as strong

I reminded myself, " don't get too cocky"
The road she is long, the road she is rocky 

But a part of me whispered, "You've got this thing beat"
"It wasn't so hard, no big daring feat"

When out on the porch I heard a strange stirring
I tried to ignore it, it became quite alluring

I opened the door and turned to the noise
"Quite", I whispered, "You'll wake up my boys"

The dog had peed on the new fallen snow
So the yellow and white gave a nice little glow

When what to my disbelief should I see
But a sled full of ciggerettes brought there for me

With a stained tooth driver who looked tierd and sick
I knew in a moment it must be Sir Nic

He held out his arms and took hold my hand
And scolded be boldly for taking a stand

"Oh Charlotte you silly, you rebel, you dreamer, you can't escape me I'm a powerful schemer

"I'll be with you forever, and that's just plain facts"
"Now light up a smoke and you'll finally relax"

So far, somehow, I had kept him at bay
But could I really keep up this fight every day

He glared at me smugly, he knew I would cave
This addiction will follow me straight to the grave

I said "give me a minute, I need time to think"
Then I noticed that instant he stared to shrink

He said "I'm losing my patience, there's no time to dally"
"Now go get your coat, we'll smoke in the ally"

I didn't budge, I held firm my stance
I said "tighten your belt, you're losing your pants"

"You were taller than me ten minutes ago
Either you're losing ground or I'm starting to grow"

He said "Don't be daft, you're not bigger than me"
Then he stretched up his arms and grabbed at my knee

Then I realized somthing I'll never forget
Every craving I conquer the more desperate he gets

I said "Beat it shorty, I've about had my fill"
"The ball's in my court and it's 16 to nil"

He said "You've won this one but this much is true
I'll be back, and you know it, I'm gunning for you
When you're stressed and tierd and you're life's at it's worst I'll see you again"

"NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST"
 

Quitten Fool's Day Parade Poem 
From healing2

  Quitten Fool's Parade Today
  Come one come all; time to play
  Sporting their very wildest dress
  They've come to banish that nicotene mess

  For years they've allowed a demon to rule
  Today they celebrate banashing the ghoul
  Marching down Q Main Street
  Pounding out a special beat

  You'll hear mantras of every sort
  Laughter and the occasional snort
  Music, song and rhythm sound
  Happiness, joy and smiles abound

  You may notice far down a side street
  A barricade keeping nicdemon in retreat
  His face is dejected; he cannot compete
  With this bunch of fools pounding their feet

  They stomp on his spirit with combat boots
  Ballet slippers, platfrom shoes, it's really a hoot
  Tiaras, cowboy hats, Pippy hairstyles, feather plumes
  They'll scare him away with their outlandish costumes

  The crowd cheers them on with banners and signs
  Pom poms and flags and kites of all kinds
  If you're not already here hurry down to the street
  It's quite a sight; the quitting fools all a beat

  "Beat the nicdemon", they yell, "once and for all"
  Together we'll stomp him; we hear freedom's call
  We cannot be stopped; we are ready to fight
  Our friends have all gathered to see this great sight

  We've taken that all important leap
  A parade in celebration of what we'll reap
  By letting go of unhealthy choices
  Embracing the future; hear our rejoices

  You may call us fools; you may call us crazy groups
  Just don't call us smokers; we're done being dupes
  Hip hip hooray the foolish parade is in town
  Can't keep a good Q quitster down 

A FAREWELL TO TOBACCO
Charles Lamb, 1811

[this poem and the annotations below it were found at 
http://shift.merriweb.com.au/books/tobacco/tobacco.html]
 

May the Babylonish curse 
Straight confound my stammering verse, 
If I can a passage see 
In this word-perplexity, 
Or a fit expression find, 
Or a language to my mind 
(Still the phrase is wide or scant) 
To take leave of thee, GREAT PLANT! 
Or in any term relate 
Half my love, or half my hate: 
For I hate yet love thee so, 
That, whichever thing I show, 
The plainer truth will seem to be 
A constrain'd hyperbole, 
And the passion to proceed 
More from a mistress than a weed. 
Sooty retainer to the vine, 
Bacchus' black servant, negro fine; 
Sorcerer, that makest us dote upon 
Thy begrimed complexion, 
And for thy pernicious sake, 
More and greater oaths to break 
Than reclaimed lovers take 
'Gainst women: thou in seige dost lay 
Much too in the female way, 
While thou suck'st the labouring breath 
Faster than kisses or than death. 
Thou in such a cloud dost bind us, 
That our worst foes cannot find us, 
And ill fortune, that would thwart us, 
Shoots at rovers, shooting at us; 
While each man, through thy heightening steam, 
Does like a smoking Etna seem, 
And all about us does express 
(Fancy and wit in richest dress) 
A Sicilian fruitfulness. 
Thou through such a mist dost show us, 
That our best friends do not know us, 
And, for these allowed features, 
Due to all reasonable creatures, 
Liken'st us to fell chimeras (1) - 
Monsters that, who see us, fear us; 
Worse than Cerberus (2) or Geryon (3), 
Or, who first loved a cloud, Ixion (4). 
Bacchus we know, and we allow 
His tipsy rites, but what art thou, 
That by reflex canst show 
What his deity can do, 
As the false Egyptian spell 
Aped the true Hebrew miracle? (5) 
Some few vapours thou may'st raise, 
The weak brain may serve to amaze, 
But to the reins and nobler heart 
Canst nor life nor heat impart. 
Brother of Bacchus, later born 
The old world was sure forlorn 
Wanting thee, that aidest more 
The god's victories than before 
All his panthers, and the brawls 
Of his piping Bacchanals. 
These, as stale, we disallow, 
Or judge of thee meant: only thou 
His true Indian conquest art; 
And, for ivy round his dart, 
The reformed god now weaves 
A finer thrysus (6) of thy leaves. 
Scent to match thy rich perfume 
Chemic art ne'er did presume 
Though her quaint alembic (7) strain, 
None so sovereign to the brain. 
Nature that did in thee excel, 
Framed again no second smell. 
Roses, violets, but toys, 
For the smaller sort of boys. 
Or for greener damsels meant; 
Thou art the only manly scent. 
Stinking'st of the stinking kind, 
Filth of the mouth and of the mind, 
Africa, that brags her foison (8), 
Breeds no such prodigious poison, 
Henbane, nightshade (9), both together, 
Hemlock, aconite _ - Nay, rather 
Plant divine of rarest virtue; 
Blisters on the tongue would hurt you. 
'Twas but in a sort I blamed thee, 
None e'er prospered who defamed thee: 
Irony all and feigned abuse, 
Such as perplex'd lovers use 
At a need, when, in despair 
To paint forth their fairest fair, 
Or in part, but to express 
That exceeding comeliness 
Which their fancies doth so strike, 
They boirrow the language of dislike; 
And instead of Dearest Miss, 
Jewel, Honey, Sweetheart, Bliss, 
And those forms of old admiring, 
Call her Cockatrice (10) and Siren (11) , 
Basilisk (12), and all that's evil, 
Witch, Hyena, Mermaid, Devil, 
Ethiop, Wench, and Blackamoor. 
Monkey, Ape, and twenty more: 
Friendly Traitress, Loving Foe, - 
Not that she is truly so, 
But no other way they know 
A contentment to express, 
Borders so upon excess, 
They they do not rightly wot 
Whether it be pain or not. 
Or as men, constrain'd to part, 
With what's nearest to their heart, 
While their sorrow's at the height, 
Lose discrimination quite, 
And there hasty wrath let fall, 
To appease their frantic gall, 
On the darling thing whatever 
Whence they feel it death to sever, 
Though it be, as they, perforce, 
Guiltless of the sad divorce 
For I must (nor let it grieve thee, 
Freindliest of plants, that I must) leave thee. 
For thy sake, TOBACCO, I 
Would do anything but die, 
And but seek to extend my days 
Long enough to sing thy praise. 
But, as she who once hath been 
A king's consort, is a queen 
Ever after, nor will bate 
Any tittle of her state 
Though a widow, or divorced, 
So I, from thy converse forced, 
The old name and style retain, 
A right Katherine of Spain: 
And a seat, too, 'mongst the joys 
Of the blest Tobacco boys; 
Where, though I, by sour physician, 
And debarr'd the full fruition 
Of thy favours, I may catch 
Some collateral sweets, and snatch 
Sidelong odours, that give life 
Like glances from a neighbour's wife; 
And still live in the by-places 
And the suburbs of thy graces; 
And in thy borders take delight 
An unconcour'd Canaanite.

1: Chimera - a fabulous beast in Classical Mythology, hence any fanciful beast. 
2: Cerberus - the three-headed dog that guarded Hades in Classical Mythology. 
3: Geryon - a three bodied monster in Classical Mythology. 
4: Ixion - A failed lover of Hera, Queen of the Gods in Classical Mythology. 
5: Egyptian spell: this probably refers to the contest between Aaron and Moses, and the Egyptian preists in Genesis. 
6: Thrysus - a garland of vine-leaves in Classical Mythology. 
7: Alembic - an instrument for distillation, hence a purer essence. 
8: Foison - an abundance. 
9,10: Henbane, nightshade, aconite,hemlock are all poionous plants 
11: Cockatrice - the (fabled) offspring of a snake and a chicken. 
12: Basilisk - a sort of cockatrice with a crown on its head.
 
 

The Quitnet Book of Rhymes

Vol. 4: Poems with a Food-related Theme.
 
 

To be sung to the tune, "On Top of Old Smokey"...
TexasAnn

Since I've quit smoooking 
I've started to eat 
If I don't stop this 
I won't see my feet.

I got on my treadmill 
It started to shake 
It said "Please get off me. 
And put down that plate." 

 

They'll call me Old Bliiimpie, 
God, look at those thighs. 
Some body please help me 
Stop eating fried pies. 

 

But since I've quit smoooking 
I'm not going to fret 
Would someone please paaass me 
That steak, pork brochette! 

Day 2: An Ode to Corn Nuts 
CelticCrone

 

 

On the second day of quitting 
when you're jonesing for your butts, 
can there be a food more fitting 
than a product named "Corn Nuts?" 

 

It's not just that they're tasty, 
All you quitster girls and boys. 
If you chew them fast and hasty, 
they make a ton of noise! 

 

When you brain is out-to-lunching 
and your thoughts have gone astray 
that cacaphony of crunching 
fills a void amid your day. 

 

You knew this would happen, didn't you? 
ToddL

What's a newly-quit to do? 
'tis the question for the ages 
Should they crunch, smack, chomp or chew? 
Answer's not in quitnet's pages

I suppose it pays to mind 
conditioning of teeth and jaw. 
Jolly Ranchers, if you grind, 
remove your fillings one and all

Occupations also matter 
when you choose your quitly vittles 
Places where there is some clatter 
might be best for chewing Skittles

If you labor in a sawmill, 
screaming bandsaws making cuts, 
You can chomp away at will 
upon those tasty noisy corn nuts

In a quiet monastary 
you should choose some different stuff; 
Or if you work in a library 
you'd do best to munch cheese puffs.

oh well..... 
Garbanzo on 04/02/1999 14:33:4

Corn nuts, skittles, twizzlers, pez 
Its very sad, Garbanzo sez, 
'cause I, for one, 
outgrew my drez!

Re: Day 2: Okay, I'll give it a shot 
Dani on 04/02/1999 13:11:08

To all my friends, I've had a hunch 
As you debate, discuss, and munch 
The different snacks that would be fittin' 
To help distract me while I'm quittin'

I think it's different for everybody 
What you find great, I might think nutty 
While Skittles set Todd's heart a-sizzle 
Garbanzo only wants to Twizzle

Liiza and I have brought our Smarties 
To many of Keith's hot-tub parties 
But listen to what Dani says 
The only one that works is PEZ 
 
 

Untitled, Author unknown (contributed by lev)

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house 
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. 
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste 
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. 
When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). 
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; 
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, 
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt 
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--- 
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!" 
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, 
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip 
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished. 
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. 
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. 
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, 
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. 
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- 
But isn't that what January is for? 
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. 
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! 

 

Vol. 1, Limericks | Vol. 2, Jingles | Vol. 3, Spontaneous | Vol. 4, Food-related | Contents