a blog less ordinary

charlie

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:48:45 +0000

amusing as giles imagery is i would like to assure you i have no ‘hidden boxing power’ and the only unleashing i have been doing lately is on a small cocker spaniel ... do you see what i did there? ... unleash ... anyhoo

i have spent a couple of days in deepest hampshire because one of the nieces has become 18 ... it is appropriate to celebrate these things but i tend to think that a thought should be spared for all the adults in the room ... they just feel so old ... they can remember holding them as small things and now look at them

i stayed with one of my sisters ... they have two small boys aged ten and eight and have just got themselves a small cocker spaniel called charlie ... so collecting and taking the kids to school now involves a walk and a dog

one morning the boys decided it would be very funny to give the new puppy my new shoes ... because ... well it occurred to them so why not ... charlie has a tendency to chew everything ... i leapt across the room to save them and then had to hold onto my shoes for the next ten minutes to avoid them being mutilated

i went to take a shower and informed the boys that my shoes were going with me cos i didn’t trust them not to feed them to charlie ... but i left my bag and leather jacket behind ...

when i came out of the shower i found a note slide under the door ... i want you to imagine boys writing in blue crayon type thing ... on the note was written

ENJOY SHOWER
DOG GOT JACKET
HA HA HA

so very wallace and gromit

eye of the tiger

Sat, 8 Nov 2008 07:39:21 +0000

one of the things that Carl the trainer has started doing with me is Boxing ... i have never done anything like that before in my life ... never done karate or any fighty thing (with these nails!)

partly because it never appealed but it seemed a bit too rufty tufty and over the top male ... i tend towards the centre when it comes to butch stuff ... some of it i connect with and other things just leave me bemused ... metrosexual means knowing how to wield a hammer when needed but knowing not to ruin a good manicure!

boxing is good for all round fitness and gets your reactions sharp and Carl seems determined to teach me some stuff like how to punch and what the punches are called

his first mistake when we started was to teach me how to stand ... hold up two pads and tell me to punch them ... one two one two ... only just before i did he tapped his pads together grinned at me and said ‘come on ... eye of the tiger’

i just giggled and needed a moment
wrong on so many levels
Rocky was never my role model
that song sucks
and if you wanna motivate me ... well that was never gonna work

the other problem with the boxing thing is that the gloves in the gym ... well ... they get used by lots of people ... you use them for twenty minutes you sweat a little ... the gloves warm up ... your sweat mixes with everyones ... the first time i took the gloves off carl said to me ‘don’t smell your hands’ ... well yeah and so would you it’s what you do when someone tells you not to do something ... i nearly threw up ... i refused to wear them again ... so i went and got my own boxing gloves ... i know ... how macho is that!?

when i got them home i tried them on took the price labels off them and pondered why they always come in red ... i like purple .... and then it dawned on me that red would hide the blood ... i felt quite sick and made myself a nice cup of tea and sat down for a bit

the other side of boxing that is quite weird is when he tells me to let out some of that anger and really punch ... hmmm maybe not a good idea to tap into that reservoir ... maybe that’s why i have avoided contact sports ... the deep knowledge that violence is simmering below the surface and it is best kept there ... i told him i thought it best to just concentrate on my stance and my style ... maybe we don’t go unleashing monsters :)

feeling the burn

Sat, 8 Nov 2008 06:51:23 +0000

i decided a few weeks ago to go back to the gym
over the years i have done gym with various degrees of enthusiasm

so this time i booked a a personal trainer ... let’s call him Carl ... he is horribly enthusiastic ... like having a puppy dog worrying your ankles ... he is young ... he is uber fit and he lies to me all the time ... you know ‘just two more’ when he meant five ... ‘nearly done’ when he means another ten minutes ... ‘you are doing really well’ when he means you old lazy git make some effort

the kind of person who every now and then will take a weight or skipping rope off you to show you how he wants something done and you realise just how far you have to go

despite appearances or what you might think i don’t really do vain or anything like it ... i am the kind of shower/shave rub wax in my hair type of guy ... i don’t like fussing ... i do grooming but i don’t do vanity ... no standing in front of the mirror tweasing hair for instance

and because of the myriad of complex feelings i have as a result of being sexually abused i am wary of too much conversation about my body or how i look

Carl is a very understanding human being and i was able to explain some basic stuff about my life and what i felt about stuff ... we agreed that we would concentrate less on weighing and measuring and progress of that kind ... in the belief that if we worked hard on fitness levels the rest would naturally follow without us having to pay too much attention

his first problem was that i don’t really do competitive ... i mean i can play a game of tennis and do my best to win ... but i am not that bothered if i don’t ... the playing the taking part is fun and the winning would have been a bonus but it isn’t the end of the world if i lose

equally i am not much good at personal targets ... if i managed to run a mile in ten minutes and he suggested we do it in 9 i would just shrug and not see the point ... if you wanna go faster well then take the car ... if he wanted to try and make a race of it to challenge me i would just let him win ... well he seemed to want it so badly it seemed churlish not to let him have it

i have no idea why i think like this ... as a kid i enjoyed sport ... to a point ... i ran 100/200 metres and played a lot of tennis ... never really did the football/rugby/cricket thing ... i mean i played but never really got the point

so Carl had the problem that he had no idea how to motivate me ... how to make me care in any way ... something to make me improve one step at a time

then at one point in our conversation he mentioned how he was training to be a swim instructor ... he noticed that i was interested ... i asked him if he could do that elegant crawl stroke and turn at each end of the pool ... he noticed the envy in my eyes and he grinned ... i admitted it was something i would love to be able to do ... i had never really been taught to swim

my father didn’t do the throw us in the deep end and we would soon learn approach but it wasn’t far off ... i can crawl but don’t leg kick properly i kinda plow through the water ... i usually do a 20m length with one breath cos i have no idea how to breath properly while swimming ... oh and i can’t tread water

so Carl did a load of tests with me in the gym on the first day ... press ups ... agility ... core strength ... balance ... speed ... stamina ... yeah ummm practically non existent thanks for asking

and the deal is this ... if i can improve and reach the targets he has set me ... he will teach me how to swim properly ... and do that tumble thing at each end ... and is quite adamant he can do it ... which would be cool

apparently a lot of the time the trick is to learn to breath properly ... running rowing swimming ... learn to breath ... which is lucky cos now i don’t smoke that is one thing i can do now

one interesting aside ... Carl has decided it would be ‘fun’ if the wife joins me tomorrow for a session of circuit training ... yeah i know ... a long marriage annihilated in one hour ... yeah ok she takes the long distance running but you wanna see her try and lift anything or unscrew jars ... useless

hmmm maybe not being beaten by a girl will find new untapped levels of energy

i can’t believe you quit ...

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:14:15 +0000

I can’t believe you quit !
really you of all people have stopped?
nah come outside for a fag
wow .. you ... really?

i am getting used to not being believed and people staring as if they have just seen a modern day miracle occur ... me refusing a cigarette or confirming the rumour that i have indeed become a non smoker ... in answer to the question sent to me this afternoon i wrote the following email to a friend and figured it kind of explained quite well really ... so in an attempt to reduce the repetition ... and to explain as best i can ...

when i was 14 i returned to my school. i was dropped at the station that afternoon by an angry father who still wasn't speaking to me for something bad i had done earlier in the day. He had made his feelings felt at the time by beating me. I can't remember now what i had done but i do remember the damage he caused, my face had swollen slightly on one side just under my cheek bone and there was a large bruise with a cut across it like a dueling scar. Grim faced and ignoring any double takes from passers by i found an empty carriage and slung my suitcase into the overhead rack and slumped down in my seat.

i was heading back to school where i was being sexually abused by a member of staff but i was leaving the man who was physically abusing me at home so it wasn’t all doom and gloom. At quite a tender age i understood only too clearly the reality of being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea only i couldn't help feeling that it was the devil and the devil.

A school friend joined me, well hurled himself into the carriage in a tumble of limbs and excitement as he slammed the door shut and turned to greet me he saw my injured face dropped his bag and sat down opposite me and demanded to know what had happened. I cried, not loudly just silently, tears welling at the injustice and horror that was my life. I couldn't speak, what would i say, how would i explain and what could he or i do about any of it.

After a few of his questions went unanswered he reached into his blazer pocket and handed me a crumpled packet of cigarettes. I didn't smoke, had never smoked, never had any desire to, never saw the point, never understood the attraction really. Go on he encouraged me, it might make you feel better. So i did. They did. For the next 34 years they made me feel better.

On one level they made me feel better.
They kept me addicted to the drug that i needed hourly to get through a day.
More if it was a bad day.
Never less always around the same level of drug to sustain the habit dressed as defiance.
Nobody else saw the one thing i could see.
That one defining moment, that simple act of evil, that moment whether in despair or weakness or just a child reaching for the promise of feeling better i lit a cigarette and regretted it for the rest of my life.

It locked me into that moment
Every cigarette had me trapped in that period and that pain and the things i was trying to escape from at the time.
i have wanted to stop for so many years. The funny flippant comments were designed to deflect attention away from the pain in my eyes as my heart yearned ... Oh if only i could stop.

so a few weeks of a drug and i am finally free of the habit.
sometimes the relief i feel at being free from it makes me cry.
i can't bear the smell of them around me it makes me feel sick
i think for once in my life i can start to believe that this is one thing i am healed of

i could be one of those people who lecture you on the evils of smoking
or be pious about being a non smoker
complain loudly about the smoke drifting my way

instead i think i will save my prayers and thoughts
for whatever the pain is
that caused you to reach out for relief in the first place
after all who amongst us hasn't felt the need to self medicate one in awhile
go ahead smoke ... there is an ashtray over there ... a lighter in the drawer
i walked that road
it is all smoke and mirrors and pain and hollow laughter

you did ask

sometimes the world baffles me

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 18:33:20 +0000

at the risk of sounding like an old man
and trust me the day after your birthday is not the time to do that ... but what kind of world is it when the label on the toy is longer than the toy it is hanging off?

and also when i remarked on this to a few people they replied with the line ... ‘ahh that’s ikea for you’ ... so what they are exempt for normality? ... we expect nothing less? ... it’s what they do there is nothing we can do?

i even suspect that the label cost more to produce than the toy it is designed to label

mental
just mental

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:58:02 +0100

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD

and were done ...

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:29:59 +0100

a few days ago i managed to forget to take my non-smoking tablet ... i took it a few hours late and then went and did the same thing again the next day ... completely forgot and only remembered about five hours later ...

so ... i thought if it took me five hours to notice and never felt so much as a twitch of a craving ... maybe ... just maybe

i decided to risk it ... have not taken any pills over the whole weekend ... and nothing happened

i think we are done with this smoking thing ... i really do
... woken up ... eaten food ... walked by newsagents ... seen people smoking ... smelled cigarettes ... no response whatsoever

no craving ... no desire ... no need

and a very odd thought process ... i started smoking at 14 at one particular very bad moment in my life ... up to that point i had never ever considered it ... it was offered and i took it ... i used to run the 100 & 200 meters and play tennis for hours and would never consider doing something so unhealthy

a little bizarre this ... it feels as if i have returned to that mentality ... i watched someone smoking the other day ... and all i could think was why would you do that to yourself ... yeah i know how judgmental can you get :)

i was amazed that i could think that way in such a small space of time ... there are many things i my life i wish i had never done ... reaching out and taking that first cigarette makes the top five

but we are done now

happy birthday starts right here ...

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 19:36:44 +0100

on saturday we enter my birthday fortnight ... to the uninitiated ... that means a week before my actual birthday as in the build up... my actual birthday ... and then a week after my actual birthday the wind down

i keep getting asked what i want for my birthday ... now i suspect that they are only being polite and making conversation ... i don’t think for one minute that any of them are gonna rush out to Selfridges or Argos (shudder) and get me my heart’s desire ... i wouldn’t like people to forget that it is my birthday soon however and i got this idea from the wedding that i have to go to on my birthday ...

a birthday present list ... i have registered at John Lewis* and if in these days of credit crunch and banks collapsing you can’t afford a whole present then you can buy me a voucher towards my present ... and if you can’t be bothered to go to the shops you can even buy stuff online

so my current favourite things are listed below and if you can’t find them at John Lewis well that’s a poor sorry do and no mistake because they are quite a big store and you would think they would have everything a birthday boy could want

so ... i saw one of these in action the other day and they are brilliant ...

a Beddy Bear that you put in the microwave ... and it comes out all cuddly and warm and it doesn’t scream and its eyes don’t pop out or anything ... brilliant

one of these would be nice ... he is called charlie and belongs to my nephews ... best not kidnap this one they might get all upset and emotional ... mind you so might my wife ... maybe you could come to my party and claim you found it outside and it looks like a stray and it needs a home ... then you and the dog could make puppy dog eyes and hope she falls for it ... if not you are gonna be stuck with a puppy ... but cuuuuttteeee !

and because i feel it is taking forever for the those in power to decide if they are even remotely interested in ordaining me i have taken it upon myself to get input from my Rev/Dr/Cambridge Fellow friend to advice me on a book list to give me some grounding in the subject of theology ... some of which she has lent me (three nights in a row ... three pages ... straight to sleep) ... others i am going to have to buy ... hey that’s like giving to christian charity ... ok not very like it ... but if it helps me to become a priest it is like helping me become more holy and that’s a pretty christian thing to do ... actually that’s a pretty impossible thing to do so we are in the area of miracles here

i would love one of these because my current macbook is getting a bit tired looking ... and these look so shiny and new ... and were only released this week ... so it must be a sign ... that i want one

or if you are thinking that is a bit expensive ... maybe one of these LCD cinema screens with a wireless keyboard would be nice ... a nice red bow around it would make it all a bit more birthdayish without having to go to all the bother of actually wrapping it

i would love a set of these Bose Speakers because i spend so much time playing music sat at my desk and i hate the chuffing little computer speakers i currently have ... and that is a boy thing cos the wife thinks they are perfectly ok ... sound quality is important and when we get to heaven everyone will see that i am right because if God doesn’t have these on his desk i will be very surprised ... and it takes a lot to surprise me

and if anybody wins the lottery in the next two weeks then i wouldn’t mind one of these ... let’s face it if you were mega rich and wanted to show me that you truly loved me ... well i can’t think of a more perfect present frankly

if you are still uninspired then i drink grey goose vodka or bollinger champagne ... i’d like my funky shoes in black ... anyway gonna stop now ... i am pooped ... even thinking about shopping can get tiring

* i haven’t actually registered at John Lewis ... but thanks SO much for thinking that was true

... and the point of that was?

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 07:48:36 +0100

i have noticed something the last few weeks ...

so when i smoked ... people just nagged and nagged and then nagged a bit more. They tutted about me smoking ... they coughed and made remarks ,,, they whined about how i shouldn’t still be smoking ... and that was just in my house you should have heard them if i was outside in public

so finally i get around to stopping ... making it sound as if i was just too busy to bother with all that nonsense ... ok after many years of being misunderstood ... with people not really grasping that it is a drug addiction and that it is not easy ... suffering the pious tosh of people who criticise me but do nothing about their dress sense or haircuts ... i finally do stop smoking

nobody says a word
nothing
nada
zip

i mean what was the point? if nobody was that bothered and they were just saying the right thing i may as well take it up again

it kind of struck me last night ... interesting ... maybe human beings do that with everything ... maybe we are quick to condemn ... show disapproval ... say how much we dislike something ... wag a finger

do we praise in equal measure?
do we even see when someone has done something beyond the call of duty?
the little touches that happen around us all day every day?
the love and care that is just given without charge?
do we even mention it ... think about it ... say thank you

it’s ok i am not about to start smoking again ... i only have one problem with not smoking ... it is now really clear that when i get up and leave a meeting or group of friends that i am actually fucking bored out of my mind ... people used to just think i was going out for a cigarette ... not always!

here’s the thing ...

Wed, 8 Oct 2008 08:18:46 +0100

my american friend used to say that ... makes me laugh every time ... here’s the thing ... ok works better in a NY drawl

i want to plug something ... well i want to encourage something ... chatting online ... good thing

brits seem a little cautious ... not too sure about it ... maybe a little bit wriggly ... heard bad things

and i want get people doing it more
there are times in the silence of the night that it makes it less lonely to have your global family at your fingertips

someone asked me the other day what the point was ... why not just email? ... because it is more like a conversation ... because sometimes it is good to just have a chat window open with someone while you work ... because sometimes a five minute laugh with a friend across the other side of the world makes a difference to the day ... because you can !

and it is ok there are kinda agreed understanding about it ... it is never bad to say ‘sorry busy’ ... it is never bad to get the phone or have to stop cos of life stuff ... nobody is offended ... always always wear a shirt before pressing video chat :)

you might only be there now and then ... you might only catch the same few people ... but just trust me on this ... it is fun ... it is like getting back a sense of community

so round about now is the time you can hurrumph and stomp off to put the kettle on all the while muttering about how you have never heard the like and it wouldn’t have happened in your day and whatever happened to good old fashioned letter writing and if he thinks for one minute he is getting me on that thing with my back the way it is i mean who knows what might happen ...

but if you are interested ... here’s how
you will need one computer ... pc or mac
(if you get stuck then just email me and i will send you step by step instructions)

if you have a mac ...
and already use ichat you just need to add me as a buddy use my mac email address ... which you can find by clicking on ‘email’ at the top of the blog

if you don’t currently use any chat device ...
googletalk ... AIM ... msn ... ichat then you need to get one ... there are a few but AIM works for both pc and mac and allows for audio and video chat as well across the platforms ... so we will stick with that for now

so first thing to do is get an AIM account ...
got to www.aim.com ... sign up and either get a full account or just a screen name ... the difference is if you dont currently have a chat thing or only use msn or something non compatible with mac then you will need an account and the software ... s’ok all free and takes minutes ... if you have an AIM compatible chat thing or a mac then a screen name will do and you don’t need the software

so if you get an account and download the software it is easy ... start up AIM chat ... sign in ... add my name by using my mac email address above ... good to go

if you have chosen to just get a screen name this implies that you might know what you are doing ... and all you need to do is add the AIM account to your chat device of choice then add me as a buddy then you will appear on my list the next time we are both logged in

if you are on a mac ...
and have never used ichat
click on the blue speech bubble usually next to safari
go to the top menu ichat/preferences/accounts
click on the little cross bottom left corner
fill in details of your new AIM account
once it starts up go to ‘buddies’ on top menu
add me by using my mac email address

i also have googletalk but it only does type and it is not as good for me ... if you really need that address then email me ... i don’t type out email information to avoid junk/spam

if you don’t like it well then you can always press delete and never look at it again ... if you are a weirdo or say strange things to me i will press delete quicker than you can blink
(liz ... helen ... jessica ... katy ... gordon ... actually quite a lot of you are already exempt from the saying weird things to me rule)

so ... come and play ... go on give it a go ... you might like it
maybe see you there

PS ... you will of course need a mic and webcam to do the audio or video thing ... well some people might think ... i’m not naming names but trust me i have heard far worse ‘logic’ ... but you can type chat from any machine