‘Reg: “Right. You’re in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the .... Judean People’s Front.” People’s Front of Judea (P.F.J), in unison: “Yeah...” Judith: “Splitters.” P.F.J.: “Splitters...” Francis: “And the Judean Popular People’s Front?” P.F.J.: “Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...” Loretta: “And the People’s Front of Judea?” P.F.J.: “Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...” Reg: “What?” Loretta: “The People’s Front of Judea. Splitters.” Reg: “We’re the People’s Front of Judea!” Loretta: “Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.” Reg: “People’s Front! C-huh.” Francis: “Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?” Reg: “He’s over there.” [From the immortal ‘Scene 7’ of Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)]

It is a defining characteristic of Protestant religions and movements to split constantly into smaller and smaller factions, into purer and purer sects. The basic principle can still be observed on any street in Britain with a Victorian legacy: “This is the church I go to, or went to; and this is the church I don’t go to, or didn’t go to.” Baptists have been especially prone to such fissiparousness. In the UK, there have been the Arminian ‘General Baptists’, who believed in a General Atonement, in which Christ in his death undertook to make possible the salvation of all people who might believe. By contrast, the Calvinist ‘Particular Baptists’ believed in Particular Atonement, in which Christ in his death undertook to save only particular individuals, usually referred to as ‘the Elect’. Present-day ‘Strict Baptists’ are the descendants of the latter, but they have been heavily influenced by the ‘Gospel Standard Strict Baptists’ and are in certain cases called the ‘Strict and Particular Baptists’, the ‘Strict’ referring to the closed position they hold on membership and on communion. There are also the ‘Grace Baptists’, who practise a closed communion table restricted to correctly-baptized believers. The ‘Grace Baptists’ do not accept the views of the ‘Gospel Standard’ churches regarding the preaching of the gospel. And so on, ad infinitum.

Green Churches

The fashionable new Protestant movement is unquestionably the Green Church, and, of course, it exhibits precisely the same tendencies to factionalism as did the Baptists and other sects. One classic split is painfully exposed today in an article by that arch ‘global warming’ believer, Mark Lynas [‘The green heretic persecuted for his nuclear conversion’, The Sunday Times, ‘News Review’, p.5].

The language reported in this piece is extraordinary, and includes: “conversion”; “Damascene conversion”; “heresy”; “evil”; “believe”; “dogma”; “humility”; “myths”; and “traitor”. The only word missing is “apostate”. If you ever doubted that the Green movement is really a religion, then think again. The language at its very heart is both confessional and religious. You only need to attend a Green meeting to observe the parallels. There is prophecy, preaching, the confession of sins, conversion narratives, the casting out of demons, denunciations, and, inevitably, the church stall - “Buy your eco-balls here!”

The Unforgivable Sin

So, what has Mark Lynas done to merit excommunication from his Green Church? Just like George Monbiot before him, who has been similarly pilloried [see: ‘By George, He’s Got It’, August 6], Mark has converted to a belief in the saving grace of nuclear power. The True Faithful of the Real Green Church are aghast, and are choking on their Fair-Trade Chocolates:

“Whenever the word ‘nuclear’ comes up at my talks, a shudder runs through the room. Because everyone knows that real environmentalists loathe nuclear power. It is just evil. Full stop.”

You can picture it, can’t you? The faithful bringing in a powerful pastor and laying on their hands to cast out the nuclear demons from poor deluded Mark, as in Jeanette Winterson’s chilling Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (1985).

Lynas goes on:

“I began to receive e-mails from friends and colleagues warning me off the topic. Did I really want to risk my entire reputation by alienating the green movement? The backlash to my first magazine article on the subject prompted my inbox to collapse, the blogs to drip with venom, the dirty looks to multiply.

A former Greenpeace campaigner posted on my website that I needed to show ‘a bit of humility’ and ‘less arrogance’. On Greenpeace’s blog my views were mocked as ‘wishful thinking of the day’. On Radio 4’s Today programme, Green party leader Caroline Lucas accused me of having ‘lost the plot’. When I argued back, she accused me of ‘just being silly’. I was a traitor.”

You know, I am actually starting to feel a tad sorry for the bloke. Yet, these extraordinary responses mirror precisely those of Über Eco-toff, Jonathon Porritt, who likewise, this time on Newsnight, accused George Monbiot, following George’s equally-public conversion to nuclear power, of a “completely erroneous approach”. Porritt declared Monbiot to be “so offline”, speaking of George’s “sell out” and “loose words”.

Predictably, Lynas points out that there are other Greens who believe in nuclear power, but who dare not speak its name:

“When I e-mailed a senior ecological scientist with my conclusions, he agreed, but only privately. ‘Do not cite me as promoting nuclear,’ he begged.”

Many Shades Of Green

Yet, Lynas’ response is also classic. He will leave his church:

“I have finally thought of something useful that I can do with my Green party membership card: I’ll auction it on eBay and send the money to EDF - with a suggestion that it beefs up its marketing department. Any bids?”

Then what will he do? Will he found, or join, a different Green sect, say with Monbiot, or will he become a ‘one-man religion’ - “‘Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?’ Reg: “He’s over there.”’ Who knows?

Still, I thought it would be helpful to end by providing a ‘Brief Guide’ to just some of the Green Churches and Sects that one might think of joining:

1. (a)The General, or Pragmatic, Greens [believe that there may be many different pathways to heaven, to that Green Utopia. Often share buildings with the Church of England];
   

2. (b)The Particular Greens [reject nuclear power as a path option - often converts from The Old Church of CND, which was strong in the 1960s and 1970s];
   

100. (c)The Particular and Strict Greens [reject nuclear power absolutely, and hold to a closed communion table of locally-produced ‘organic’ produce];
     

500. (d)The Peculiar and Pure Greens [reject nuclear power absolutely, and hold to a closed communion table of vegan, or even fruitarian, food];
     

5. (e)The Primitive Greens [reject all economic growth, and hold to a strict communion table of living in, and with, Nature. Use earth closets and grey water];
   

6. (f)The Trustafarian Greens [wealthy churches which view being Green as a Sunday life-style choice. Key Biblical text: "It is easier for a Prius to go through the streets of Kensington, than for a poor man to enter into the Green Utopia." (The Gospel According To Charles: 19:24)];
   

7. (g) The Church of Malthus, sometimes called the ‘Creationologists’: [commune with animals and trees, and wish to reduce sinful humans to small relict, subsistence populations living with Nature. Key Biblical text: “The power of population is so superior to the power of the earth to produce subsistence for man, that premature death must in some shape or other visit the human race. The vices of mankind are active and able ministers of depopulation.” (The Other Gospel According To Thomas: 19:14)]; and finally,
   

8. (h) The Greens of The Latterday World [It is too late! We are all doomed, and we will burn with the Earth at Armageddon].
   

“Phew!” What a relief to be a non-believer! Lunch in a sunny, cant-free garden.