In October, Roarke was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder.  It is an Autism Spectrum Disorder It was devastating to hear but at the same time it was a relief.  Finally we had some answers as to why Roarke still isn’t talking, why he can’t make eye contact with us, why he never really plays with other kids.

What angers me the most is why up till this time did everyone say he was fine?  Why couldn’t his doctor see that  he was not making proper progress in language development, no matter how many times I voiced my concern?  Why couldn’t she pick up on the “red flags” he displayed right in front of her face?  I’m also angry with myself that I didn’t push harder for earlier testing.

Even though it’s been hard, I’ve had to push aside my guilt and anger because taking care of Roarke is so emotionally and physically draining.  His body NEVER stops.  He is in constant motion.  Constantly touching, constantly running, constantly climbing, constantly throwing.  It’s a never ending blur of activity with him.  He has never slept through the night so neither have we for the last 3 years.  I hardly ever sit down because I will just have to get back up again because Roarke got into something else.  It’s a constant battle to keep Roarke from hurting himself or destroying the house.

But the thing that is worst is not being able to communicate with him.  It’s extremely frustrating for all of us.  Roarke is learning to sign but not fast enough to keep up with all he wants to share with us.  I hear other 2 year olds chatting away and the parents have this look on their face like “I wish this kid would shut up”.  How I long for Roarke to just say mama or to say juice when he’s thirsty.

Despite everything, Roarke is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  And I wouldn’t change a thing about him.  His smile can chase away any tears.  He’s become such a little man over the last year and gives the best kisses ever.  He has helped me become a better person.