Q)What do ski guides and surgeons have in common.

A) They both bury their mistakes.

Q)How many guides does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A) One he just holds it in place and he lets the world revolve around him.

Editor Q) How does he unscrew it then?

Q) How do you know if there is a mountain guide at a party?

A) Don't worry he'll tell you.

Q.) How do you know that Jesus was a rock guide.

A.) Well it could be the long hair, beard, hangs out with the same three single guys, always wears the same clothes, is a carpenter in the off season and has scabs on the back of his hands.

This guy walks into a bar has a drink then says to the bartender "I really hate it when people call mountain guides scum"

" why is that, are you a mountain guide" says the bartender

"No, I am scum!" says the man

Q. What do you get if you cross a mountain guide with a millionaire?

A. Something unimaginable

Q. What did the mountain guide get on his IQ test?

A. Drool

Q. when would you see a mountain guide at the Ritz.

A. You wouldn't!

Q. How do you get a mountain guide off your front doorstep?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

New: A guide is leading a client up a challenging first ascent. Every time the guide gets to a particularly dangerous section, he stops and puts on the same red shirt. The guide climbs pitch after difficult pitch, beautifully.   

As they near the top, the client finally asks about the red shirt. "If I had fallen," says the wise and courageous guide, " this shirt would disguise the blood, and you would not be frightened and loose heart." "Amazing," thought the client, marveling at this forethought. The next day, as they neared the summit, a section more difficult than any before loomed above them. The guide started up, then down climbed and started rummaging in his pack. "What are you looking for?," asked the client. "My brown pants."

Q) How do you know that Santa is a mountain guide.

A) He has a beard, wears the same clothes every day, and only works one day a year.

Q) What is the difference between investment bonds and a mountain guide.

A) The bonds will eventually mature and earn money.

Q) What happens when a mountain guide takes Viagra?

A) He gets Taller.

Q) You know how copper wire was invented.

A) Two mountain guides found a penny at  the same time.

  Q)How do you make a small fortune guiding?

   A) Start with a large one.

Q)What's the difference between a mountain guide and a 14" pizza?

A)  The pizza can feed a family of four.

So these two mountain guides meet up at the base of a route and one notices  that the other has new ice tools. "What'd ya pay for those?" he asked.  "Nothing. I was climbing the other day and this beautiful woman walked up, threw down her new tools, stripped off her one piece and said I could have anything I wanted"                   "Oh. Good choice" said the other guide. "Her one piece would never have fit you"

Q)What do you call a guide with out a girlfriend? 

A) Homeless

Q) What's the difference between God and a Mountain Guide?

A) God doesn't think he's a Mountain Guide.

So I was driving home the other day in my baby blue 1975 Hillman Hunter sedan and I look out the window. There's this Kiwi Mountain Guide out in a field doing the deed to this sheep! Disgusting! So I stop, roll down the window and yell to him "Hey! In Canada we shear sheep!" He looks up at me and without disturbing his rhythm yells back "Mate, I'm not shearing this sheep with anybody!"

Q) How many Mountain Guides does it take to Change a light bulb?

A) Three. One to change the bulb , one get the chair and fix the rope and rigging and another to find the client to pay for the bulb and the beer.

Q) What do Mountain Guides use for birth control?                                                            

A) Their personalities.

So this mountain guide bites it in a climbing accident. Of course for all his sin's he goes to Hell. As he is Rappelling down through Hell with the Devil to his appointed station he sees this other guide whom he knows that also just cashed in his bingo chips. However he is in the arms of this gorgeous naked babe. He turns to the Devil and asks " what's up with this , how come this scum-bag has this beautiful woman  in his arms." The Devil turns to him and say's "Never you mind that woman's punishment is my concern".

Q) What do mountain guides and cow pies have in common.

A) The older they get the easier they are to pick up

Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) :

Q) What's the worst thing about sleeping with a mountain guide. 

A) when he jumps up, tie's off the bed post and screams off belay.

You know why less than 10% of the mountain guides go to heaven.

A) any more than that and it would be Hell!

You know what the difference is between a smart mountain guide and a Yeti?

A) At least there are reported sightings of a Yeti.

  Client hires a guide for a multi-day rock climbing adventure. He has one bad day after another. Bad weather, lack of skill keep him from getting to the top of anything until the last day, when he finally is able to complete a route. At the end of the last day, the guide says, "great working with you, that will be $1000." "Man, the client says, $1000 for one lousy route."                                      Yeah, says the guide, "but think how much it would have been if you'd climbed them all."

These two mountain guides are talking, and one is complaining bitterly that he can't get women to notice him. Here, says the other, handing him a cucumber, put this in your pants. Few days later the guides meet up again, and the guide is still complaining: "this thing is making me miserable, and I'm still not getting any women". Other guide takes a look. "Why don't you try putting it in front?"

Here's one that just came in:(hey , I don't write em, I just pass them on.) :

A mountain guide is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm, and runs into a guide buddy. "What'd ya get the case of beer for," his buddy asks.

"My girlfriend," the guide replied. "Oh. Good trade."

Q) You know what mountain guides and parking spaces have in common?

A) The best ones are taken and the rest are just handicaps.

Q) You know what mountain guides and tile floors have in common?

A) Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

I

Q) What the difference between a mountain guide and a rooster.

A) The Rooster clucks defiance.

This had to be explained to me after several months.

"The mountain guide fucks declients"

New: A Glossary of Common Climbing Terms and Phrases:

A Solo Climber: One man falling alone.

A Roped Party: Several men falling simultaneously.

A Novice: Someone (often dead) who should be kept off the mountains at all costs.

A Mountain Guide: Someone who can provide Novices with a cost.

An Experienced Climber: Someone whose death was unavoidable.

An Alpine Club Member: Someone who never dies but slowly fades away.

An Alpine Veteran: Someone who has been to the Alps.

A Careful Climber: A slow climber.

A Cautious Climber: A very slow climber.

A Climbing Nut: A reckless climber.

Excerpt from ONE MAN'S MOUNTAINS by Tom Patey (except the Guide part,which is mine.)

Three Guides die and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first German Guide, "What is Easter?"

The Guide replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the French Guide the same question, "What is Easter?"

The French Guide  replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

"St. Peter looks at the second Guide, shakes his head in disgust,tells  him he's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the Canadian Guide. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The Canadian Guide smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,"I know what Easter is. "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third Guide continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Three mountain guides are sitting around a campfire deciding to hold up below tree-line, out on the lonesome, each with the bravado for which guides are famous. A night of tall tales begins...

The first guide says, "I must be the meanest, toughest guide there is. Why, just the other day, an ornery bull elk got loose in Banff and gored six tourists before I wrestled him to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second guide, not to be outdone, boasted: "Why that's nothin'. I was climbing in Skaha walking the trail yesterday and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that varmint with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and sucked the poison right out of my arm. And I'm still here today."

The third guide remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.