bible stories

Good Things in the Bible

Tue, 9 Jun 2009 20:48:42 -0500

My last entry showed some of the bad things in the KJ Bible. There are good things too, here are a few passages & the good morals they teach us. The Bible, much like the evening news, can be viewed in a positive light. Sometimes.

Holy Bible

Leviticus 19:18
Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Proverbs 3:13
Wisdom and understanding lead to happiness

Proverbs 4:24
Speak plainly and honestly to others.

Proverbs 21:23
Be careful how you speak; words can do great damage.

Ecclesiastes 7:9
Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Isaiah 1:18
Come now, let us reason together.

John 8:32
The truth shall make you free.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

1 John 3:18
Let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.

And the best one, Matthew 7:1
Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Book of Mormon

Jacob 2:19
Use your wealth to help the poor and less fortunate

Mosiah 4:26
Help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and care for the sick.

Mosiah 26:31
Forgive one another.

Alma 38:12
Be filled with love

Alma 5:54
Be humble. Don't consider yourself to be better than others.

If only people followed some of these...

Some things in the bible are just scary!

Fri, 5 Jun 2009 22:04:48 -0500

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. -- Jon Stewart

Samuel 18:27

David wants to marry Saul’s daughter, so he asks how much money to buy her (this is a common practice, selling your children). Saul say he doesn’t want money, he want’s David to kill 100 Philistines & bring him their foreskins (nasty). So David kills 200, cuts off their skins & buys himself a wife.

Ezekiel 9:4

God was unhappy with the people of Israel, so he told Ezekiel & his men to "Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women.", so they killed everyone except for a few men.

Leviticus 21:16

God reveals to Moses that he doesn’t like handicapped people, or dwarfs, or people with blemishes, or moles, or damaged testicles, or funny noses. I guess god only likes perfect people, hey Hitler had the same little quirk.

Exodus 22:3

Here is a great law God gives us. If a poor person steals something, they will be sold into slavery to make restitution for their thievery. Awesome!

Luke 8:27

Here is a good exorcism story. There was a man (or two) who was possessed by many demons. So Jesus casts out the demons & sends them into a herd of pigs that the townspeople are raising. The pigs freak out & run off of a cliff to their death. This upsets the townspeople & they ask Jesus to leave. Way to go JC, now what are the townspeople going to do for food?

Song of Solomon

This whole thing is a big soft core porn story.

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” She ‘aint talking about making a salad!

Genesis 6:5

This is a good one. God sees that the earth is too violent, so he comes up with a plan to deal with it. More violence! You bet. If you just kill everyone that will do the trick, right? Round up the animals & start the rain. You think this is where the phrase “Kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out” started?

Deuteronomy 22:13

Getting rid of a pesky wife is easy, no need for divorce just follow these steps.

Step 1: Claim she wasn’t a virgin when you married her.

Step 2: Gather your friends & stone her to death on her fathers’ doorstep.

That was easy now, wasn’t it?

Genesis 4:2

This is the story of two brothers: Cain & Able (the first kids on the earth). Cain became a farmer, while his brother tended sheep. One day Able made a sacrifice (killing) one of newborn sheep to god. Not wanting to miss out on sacrificing stuff Cain offered some veggies. It seems God is not much on salad, because he liked Abel’s sacrifice better. This, of coarse, upset Cain to the point where he couldn’t take it & he just killed Able. When God asked Cain where his brother was, Cain said “I don’t know” (that’s what kids always say), so God cursed him & banished him. The morale: don’t be a vegetarian.

Genesis 19:8 & 19:30

Remember Lot? He was the one who god spared when he burnt to death every man, woman & child in the cities of Sodom & Gomorra, because he was a good guy. Here is an interesting little tidbit about Lot. When a crazed mob shows up at his door he offers them his two virgin daughters(they really weren’t virgins, he was lying) to appease them. Later on he gets drunk & knocks both of them up. What a great family story.

Exodus 2:11

Surely then Moses was a good guy. Except when he murdered an Egyptian man while no one was looking, then hid his body in the sand. Bad Moses!

Exodus 29:11 (plus many more in Leviticus)

How to worship god, an instructional lesson: First kill some animals, then chop them into pieces, pull out their guts, wave them around in the air, get blood all over the place, and lastly set them on fire. Death & blood; God is happy. And you thought dancing with snakes was weird.

Numbers 15:32

The Israelites found a man gathering sticks one Sunday. Of coarse this is a no-no, as it is working on the Sabbath. So god told them to stone him to death (that seems fair), which they did. Now, since they picked up rocks & pummeled this poor guy until he was dead, wouldn’t that be considered work? They should have stoned themselves to death also.

Numbers 31:1

Moses sent his armies to kill the Midianites, but when they returned Moses found out they hadn’t killed everyone, they have spared the women & children (how dare them). Moses is furious & tells them to kill everyone, except the virgin females & they can keep them for themselves (if you know what I mean). Does that make Moses a psychopath or a sociopath? I get the two confused.

Judges 19:22

Gang rape & murder in the bible? Oh yes, right here to teach at your next Sunday school class. Listen up kiddies, & you shall learn. A man takes a weary traveler & concubine into his house. A mob of perverts (there were apparently a lot of these around) demands they release the traveler to them. The man says no, but you can have my virgin daughter or the concubine to satisfy you. They take the concubine & gang rape her all night long & leave her on the steps where she dies the next morning. The traveler was so distraught about his dead concubine that he cut her into 12 pieces & sent the pieces to different parts of Israel. The End. What a story. What a religion.

1 Samuel 17:50, 51

David killed Goliath with a rock, or was it a sword, no a rock, no a sword, no… Anyway verse 50 & 51 don’t even know, but he killed him, chopped off his head & paraded around with it. It doesn’t matter how he did it as David would go on to mercilessly dismember, burn & kill thousands more people. What a role model.

Genesis 22:2

God told Abraham to offer his only son as a sacrifice to him. So Abraham got hit son, placed him on a pile of wood to burn him & proceeded to stab him with a knife. At the last minute God tells him, “Just testing” & lets his son live. What a nasty trick.

Exodus 33:23

God tells Moses that he cannot see his face, but he can see his "back parts", in other words God moons Moses.

I’m sure there is much, much more...

who shall cast the first sermon?

Tue, 7 Apr 2009 22:40:20 -0500

I am writing some sermons, they are meant to be taken as opinion, though I doubt you religious nuts will see it that way. So don’t go telling me about how these stories are taken out of contest. That excuse is a lame attempt for you to justify a religion that is based on lies. I used to be just like you; I went to church regularly, read the stories & listened to the sermons. I believed. But when I started acting rational & asking questions I always got the same answers: “it’s Gods will”, “we are not meant to know”, or the best one “have faith”.

Faith can only get you so far & when it runs out all that is left is the truth. A truth that reveals the religion I once believed in was a sick scary lie. There have been more atrocities, murders, & horrible crimes committed in the name of Christianity that anything else. Throughout the bible there are horrifying stories of mass murder, rape, torture, slavery & other despicable acts committed by Christians in the name of God. Context? The true context of the bible is an instruction manual for every perverted act man can think of, carried out in the name of god.

That is not my god.

reverend Chris

the world we live in is an absolute mess!

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 22:23:34 -0500

It seems like everyone is trying to stick it to everyone else, never content with what they have. War & violence are in the news daily, so much so we have become desensitized to it. It seems there is nothing or no one to fix our problems, until now. Though many have tried in the past to rebuild our world & transform it into a better place, they have all failed. But where all the others have failed, I will succeed. I know how to fix the world & all of its problems. I know how to stop all of the wars & violent acts toward mankind. I know what it will take to accomplish a great society & I am going to share it with you now.

It is really very simple, so simple that I cannot believe no one else has thought of it. Or if they have, they have not shared it with enough people yet. Here it is, step by step.

1. Go into your bathroom.
2. Look down at your sink.
3. Now look up.
4. See that person staring back at you in the mirror? That’s it.

All you have to do is change that one person. You don’t need to concern yourself with trying to fix anyone else. If you change that person, and everyone else follows suit, then the world will naturally be a better place. What about the bad people in the world? Just concentrate on step #4 & you will be doing your part. Will this change the world? It will if everyone does it. Will they? Heck no, but wouldn’t it be a great thing if they did? I am going to do my part right now. I am going to be a better person no matter what everyone else around me is doing. I am going to treat people fairly & with love & compassion. I am not going to engage in negative things or activities that will hurt others in any way. Even if someone else treats me badly, I will still treat them right.

This will not be easy, we have all been trained from birth to behave the awful way we do. So it will take much work & commitment to break the bad habits society has placed upon us for so many years. It will be a struggle, but one that is worthwhile & just. One day this will be a better place, I truly believe this. But to get to that point we all must start with the mirror. Good luck & much love!

Reverend Chris

new ten commandments

Mon, 19 May 2008 18:43:29 -0500

THE ORIGINAL 10
"And God spoke all these words, saying: I am the LORD your God…

1. Thou shall have no other gods before me.
2. Thou shall not make for yourself a carved image.
3. Thou shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother.
6. Thou shall not kill.
7. Thou shall not commit adultery.
8. Thou shall not steal.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
10. Thou shall not covet your neighbors wife, nor anything that is thy neighbors.

 
My problems with those commandments are as follows.

#1 #2: does that include Jesus, because a lot of people seem to worship him or the cross.
#4: Do you have to go to church? It just says remember it, not “Go to church”.
#5: But, do you have to obey them? What if their rules conflict, or are just plain dangerous?
#6: What about bugs? Cows? Rats? Self defense?
#7: So, if you aren’t married you can have sex with as many people as you want? I have no problem with that.
#10: Come on, you can’t not do this. Everyone wants something that someone else has, as long as you don’t break #6, #8 or #9 to get it, what is the harm?

I believe most of these are outdated or just plain ridiculous. Who, these days, carves images of gods or worships multiple gods? I have come up with my own rules to live buy. I think they work better in these modern times.

The New 10 commandments.

1. Do not kill another human. Do not kill animals except for food or survival, never for sport.
2. Do not steal.
3. Do not lie.
4. Honor your family above all others.
5. Do not judge your fellow man.
6. Do not amass great wealth for yourself, share with those less fortunate.
7. Treat others with respect & kindness.
8. Do not have sexual or romantic relations with children.
9. Do not force your religion or beliefs upon others.
10. Obey the laws of man, when they do not conflict with these.

The Right Religion

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 20:36:03 -0500

There are so many different religions in the world, how do you know which one is the “right” one? Simple: They all are. And none are.

There are a lot of elements from different religions that are very good for mankind. There are equally, if not more so, bad elements. Remember Jim Jones & the poisoned Flavor-Aid? How about the Heavens Gate suicides? Or the Crusades? These atrocities all took place in the name of religion. Killing in the name of [insert deity here], is still killing. There is no way of getting around that fact. The commandment reads “Thou shall not kill.” It doesn’t say it’s okay if the people won’t follow your views. It doesn’t say it is okay if it is for a religious ceremony. It is pretty clear. \

There has been more turmoil over the simple name of god, than almost anything else. I believe that god does not really care if you call him God, Buddha, Jehovah, Allah, or any other name man has thought of. If god is omnipotent, then what would that matter? Something so trivial would not even enter into the equation. God, no matter what name we call him, would not concern himself with a name.
I seriously doubt that such an entity would even require a name at all.

It is that reason that I believe all religions are correct in the belief in a supreme being, a creator of everything. I also believe that they are mistaken about the details of such a being. Such a thing would, in reality, be completely incomprehensible to normal men. That is why we have made up so many different versions of the same truth. Truly, how could we ever write about something that we cannot even comprehend. Until we pass on to the next world, we will never understand these things. So trying to assign a religion to them is a fruitless undertaking, that we will never get right.

Rules for Your Cult

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 14:38:28 -0500

Cults always get busted in the end. Why, because they are cults! With a few simple steps your cult can stay out of the government crosshairs.

1. Don’t have sex with underage girls.
2. Don’t make sex with a leader or person a requirement to join the cult.
3. Don’t have more than 1 wife. You can have many girlfriends, but only 1 wife.
4. Don’t keep a lot of firearms/weapons lying around.
5. Do let your members communicate & see their family members.
6. Don’t serve Flavor Aid to groups from large buckets.
7. Pay your taxes.
1. Don’t worship a person.
2. Don’t use your name in the title,i.e.. Church of Bob.
3. Don't worry so much about getting to the next world, concentrate on this one.

The point here is: Don’t start another cult. We’ve had enough!