the wine and the are

A flashback lover’s dream!

Wed, 5 Aug 2009 10:25:55 -0600

Nikki! Your 80s hair rocks! Your screaming matches with Victor from 1989 are so great, they make our hair bounce! We love bangs!

Now that Nikki is about to marry paul (finally), our heroes over at CBS are flashing back like never before! All of Victor and Nikki’s weddings, including the one in the only hospital room at Genoa City Memorial! Paul Kissing Nikki but not too effectively as their big 80s hair gets in the way of their lips!

But this. This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.

Paul, you’re just as cute now as you were 30 years ago. If only we could say the same about Victor. But now that your mullet has made it into Nikki’s flashbacks, we think that Victor is out of the picture for good. How that silver briefcase of yours has held up all these years is anyone’s guess, but we think it’s because you really only use it for hair products. and the case for your new glasses.

Oh, mortality. We really didn’t feel old until we saw you wearing glasses, dear eternally-young Paul.... Granted, they are funky glasses, but glasses nonetheless.

regardless, bring it on! We love it when the same actors have been around for 30 years so we can see them in their younger glory, Nikki’s button nose pointing upward charmingly, Victor’s Moustache taking over the entire set, Paul’s emoting causing bite marks to appear spontaneously on the masking flats.

Oh, nostalgia... You understand meeeeee?????

The Role of Adam is now suddenly being played by... whoever this guy is.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:14:48 -0600

we read somewhere that this guy used to be associated with something called “Veronica Mars”. since we have no idea who or what a veronica mars might be or might have been, we can’t say one way or the other.

you know what we hate? we hate this:

Dear Wine and are,

The role of adam is now being played by some guy you’ve never seen before because you have never watched/heard of/read about/gone bungee jumping with something called “Veronica mars”. We don’t care about your feelings for the last guy playing adam. we don’t care that you choke on your brie and chardonnay when a strange man enters the newman ranch house and the voice-over of jack booms, The role of adam is now being played by this guy.

Love,

The Wine and are Dictatorship.
Ps. we’re never getting rid of amber. stop asking.

Hmph. There’s only one response to this kind of rottenness:

Dear Wine and are Dictatorship,

get rid of amber.

Love,

The Wine and the are.

~~~~

to be fair, they do warn us about these things on the weekly wine and are newsblabs i get regularly, but never read because their opening paragraphs invariably read like this: “This week, Brad is found dead under the ice. Jack will call him “The Brad-sickle.”

Okay, i don’t want to know this stuff ahead of time! let me discover it along with my cohort and all the other shmucks out there in TV land. *sigh*

to quote John lennon, and now it’s all this.

friday update!! According to the guy who was playing adam till two days ago (you can read his blah blah by clicking here), it was all a big fat misunderstanding. you see, Adam and Rafe were to share a kiss, and even though it was cut (mealy mouth cowards at CBS Dictatorship central, mumble mumble mumble) from the show that aired (at least in Canada), apparently it make the old adam feel all “blahblahblah artistic differences blahblahblah creative struggles blahblahblahb direction my character was taking blahblahblabh i wish them all well as i move on to new exciting blahblahblah.”

blah.

blah.

blah.

anyway, this guy’s cuter.

it was just a bit of a shock. as one of the cohort had to get back on the road, we were not able to give it the full discussion the topic clearly deserves. or drink as much wine as we wanted to.

none of this drama hid the fact that Rafe had a very bad tie on today, despite Adam’s attempts to flirt with him by straightening it. At least it wasn’t nearly as bad as Sharon’s “Praying while walking-like-an-Egyptian, straight out of a Bangles video from the mid-80s” white top. “oh-way-oh!”

Flashdance! and Norman Bates!

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:01:30 -0600

here at the Wine and the Are fashion central, it takes a lot to impress us. I mean, we’ve seen it all, from Amber’s diamond “rebel” necklace to Nikki’s croissant head. But the last couple of weeks have been a Y&R watcher’s dream come true.

imagine our glee when Adam caused Ashley to fall down the stairs the other day (we weren’t gleeful about her falling down the stairs; let’s be clear). But what a marvellous get-up he had on! a Sabrina wig complete with the purple dress she was wearing the night she became one of Genoa City’s walking dead with more scenes than her living counterparts. Of course, we loved the “psycho” references, but even Norman Bates had the good sense to shave before he hacked up Janet Leigh in the shower all those years ago.

Norman, thank you for shaving. Adam could take a lesson, though i will say that Sabrina’s backless number fit adam slightly better than Norman Bates’ roomy “mom” number.

we were also quite amazed that the dress seemed to fit both Sabrina’s slender frame and Adam’s football shoulders equally well. but, as we know, there are (apparently) no rules when it comes to fashion on the Wine and the Are. After seeing Amber’s “I am your muse” t-shirt the other day (Note to self: Amber is not your muse), we recognize that, once again, anything goes.

yesterday we were delighted with high-powered stylist Chloe’s choice of a bad 80s “flashdance” electric blue, off-the-shoulder top with a huge jello-fish around her neck. These two travesties were offset by her extra short shorts and diaper bag. The fun thing about this top was her having to yard it up her shoulder every five seconds, thus detracting from all the “acting” that was going on, and to avoid an imminent wardrobe malfunction. Here, she’s dressed as the placemats at the dim sum restaurant up the street but the effect is similar:

She cannot move. for if she moves, it all comes tumbling out and she’s sure to lose that multi-grain bagel hat.

Poor Chloe. as she was sadly making her way out of the pool house to go back to mom’s after billy’s rejection of her (even though she’d let the shoulder strap go), we were singing joyfully, “I can have it all, now I'm dancin' fooooor my life. Take your passion, and make it happen. Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your liiiiife... What a feelin’...”

All she was missing was a nice pair of hot pink leg warmers and a broom to dance with.

The Prodigal Cohort returns

Wed, 13 May 2009 15:11:42 -0600

yeah, yeah. So we haven’t blogged in a while. Aside from Daniel’s “Painter” hat and bad vest, everyone’s been dressed fairly decently. Except for Jill, but as always, that would be too easy.

We have just two questions upon our return. 1) why is Adam (Wilson) newman clearly so deeply sunburned? He is under house arrest, he cannot leave the building without permission, and it’s may in Genoa City. If the actor got leave to go skiing at Aspen for his holidays, isn’t there someone at CBS who could touch up the red, shiny, rudolph nose a bit so that it doesn’t look like Adam spends his days reclining by a tropical hotel pool? We were just at a tropical hotel pool and we came away looking similar. But it didn’t matter, as we didn’t have to pretend to be blind on a sound stage in L.A. the following week.

yeah, that’s not happening to us much in our near future.

And speaking of pretending to be blind, why is it that with all the furniture Adam manages to stub his shins upon/overturn/break/crash into, he is incapable of breaking the blue plate behind the couch?? why!? we ask why!!? we here at the wine and the are fairly spit up our chardonnay yelling at the TV every time Adam enters the living room at the ranch. “Knock over the blue plate!!” we are heard to zestily yell, causing Mike the Dog to barrel race around the coffee table in surprised glee as bits of our Babybel gouda land before his vacuum-cleaner, teeny-dog chompers.

discuss. Does someone on the set actually like the blue plate? was it a gift to the Wine and Are from the (sadly dead and apparently drug-addled) actor who used to play cassandra rawlins? Do they just not have the heart to break it? When i need something broken (like every Epson printer i’ve ever owned) i simply take it out to the back yard, hold it high over my head, do a tarzan yell, and accidentally drop it on the pavement where it accidentally smashes into a million billion tiny shards of satisfying plastic. why can’t someone do that with it?

and in the meantime, we’re taking suggestions on how to get rid of Amber. Clearly CBS is no longer reading us, and hasn’t done anything about her yet. but!! Nina is back (time frame unknown) but we’re delighted! we cracked some of this in celebration!!

the Xs and Os are symbolic of our love for nina, you see. that’s us kissing her pretty little cheeks to welcome her home to Genoa city! Plus it’s cheep.

Stop Parenting Already!

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:44:47 -0600

Dear Wine and ARe Dictatorship,

You’ve clearly forgotten that some of us did not procreate. This particular cohort thinks children are wonderful. We just don’t have any. Our houses are not child-proof. We keep poisonous cleaning products in the unlocked cupboards under our kitchen sinks. we clink our glasses a lot while watching the show, and often leave bits of broken wine glass under the coffee table for days.

You will therefore understand that we are sick to death of all the parenting going on lately. We know that some teenagers are unruly and delinquent. We just don’t care. If you’re going to bring them back from the SMGBS, at least make them sit nicely in Crimson lights and then do things like go shopping and talk about cell phones. But then, move on.

We’re doubly annoyed as the annoying teenager pictured above is the cause of Brad’s demise. Now. We’re not naive. We know there must have been some colossal falling out between John f. Smith and Don Diamont to cause the actor to a]get fired, b]quit, or c]both. and we also know that perhaps if Brad wasn’t wearing several layers of expensive black armani overcoats when he rescued Noah, he would not have been dragged under by all of that designer wool. We would blame Armani but we have to blame Noah and Eden. May they both be sent away to boarding school.

Till you hear from us again, get on the ball, Wine and Are dictatorship! We grieve the “Town without children”...

And get rid of Amber. why is Amber still on this show?

Fondly yours in childlessness,

The Wine and the ARe.

The Wine and the Are....

Wed, 4 Feb 2009 18:56:21 -0600

... can bite me. repeatedly. right on the ass.

i’ve been watching Brad CArlton on the Wine and the ARe for twenty-four freaking years. He’s a constant in my life. He could articulate. he’s always been like my hot, young uncle. So, today, we see him under the ice where he was trapped saving a child who should (if there was any justice in this world) be at boarding school, and not being the cause of Brad’s leaving the show.

we’ve seen the corpse. but we have a feeling that unlike Brad’s former father-in-law, John Abbott, the ghost of Brad won’t be making a lot of after-death appearances.

We don’t even have the energy to say anything nasty about Jana’s froofy blouse, or Abby’s froofy blouse, or Eden’s berets and lack of tears. we don’t know, but it seems to us that occasionally, when people cry, tears come out of their eyes. we discovered this as we snorked into our yogurt strawberry dip watching Brad’s distorted face frozen under the ice (which was admittedly kind of creepy). we think eden’s been taking crying lessons from Amber. and on that note, why is Amber still on this show?

we’re depressed... not too depressed to drink chardonnay, but depressed nonetheless. cheer us up.

What happened to the Town without Children?

Sun, 1 Feb 2009 16:36:40 -0600

we’re going to digress a bit to remind the Wine and the Are dictatorship that the marvellous “Town without children” concept they had going for a while was a very welcome turn of events. for weeks, there was not a single child in all of Genoa City. Granted, there are only 42 people in Genoa city (and they all seem to work at the Boring world of Restless style), but still... ah the peace and quiet! the grown-up plot lines! even Amber was making us hurl less frequently!

and then, this happened:

we thought she was off to MCGBsC (musical child genius boarding School camp) but she got darned lonely and flunked out. in an unprecedented turn of events, she came back as the same actor! WE were not amused. she was supposed to gain at least 5 years at said school, but we suspect that the magical properties of the SMGBS do not translate to other boarding schools. so, home she came. we got used to that.

and then, this happened:

We would be okay with this boarding-school-aged version of abby carlton-newman if she had a single talented bone in her body. all of her talent seems to be located in the entire stock of FAnny’s Fabrics she wears in her hair to the athletic club or to ride her new million dollar horse courtesy biological pop, victor.

“breathe... breathe..” we said to each other and we were feeling calmer.

and then, this happened:

eden! Go back to the ashram! Seriously, the more we see you act, the more wine we want to drink (yet we want to wear fewer berets)! in the spirit of that, let’s pull out a little of this old classic:

Ah Santa rita... we’ve missed your crispness, your ability to go with any snax from fine liver paté to babybel processed cheez-food product, and yes, your cheapness. Oh, santa Rita, help us to get through the weeks ahead as the children are (inexplicably) placed on the front burner.

i want my belt back!

Tue, 2 Dec 2008 18:21:47 -0600

Now that Gloria has declared herself head of Jabot cosmetics and appointed her “husband” Jeffrey as CEO, i wonder if she’d mind giving me back my fire-engine-red belt from 1984. I think i wore it loose on my hips over my “Wham!” sweatshirt. Yeah, that’s the one. I’d like it back please, Gloria.

we wonder how it is (over thinly-sliced gourmet prosciutto and boursin cheese) that no one on the board of Chancellor industries had any idea that everyone was buying up stocks right from under their noses. we figure that they were so distracted by Nikki’s severe bunhead that they couldn’t see the treachery taking place in their midst. Thank heavens Paul came to the rescue to release Nikki’s hair from its banana-clip stranglehold as he gently guided her to the bed he so recently shared with Detective maggie (where is she now?) though we do feel a bit weird about the two of them sleeping together, we admit we do love to see Paul shirtless.

on that note, we wish Michael baldwin would go shirtless just a little more often. if these pictures are any indication, if he went half-clad to the office a little more often, the Wine and the ARe could increase their ratings exponentially. not that Christian leblanc does not dress well. he’s the best-dressed lawyer in Genoa city (aside from that unfortunate Zellers undershirt incident when little Fen was kidnapped. we understand that extreme stress can bring on the desire to dress badly). we just feel he should walk around the apartment in nothing but jeans, no matter the weather. it would advance the plot significantly.

as our readers are aware, we’re all about trying new wines with our wine and are. however, once in a while (recalling the “old fart” tragedy of late), we run across a wine that does not live up to its bottle. we recommend never drinking this stuff with wine and are, or any other activity for that matter:

the label says “avantgarde” but we think it should read “avantcrap.” this might be the vilest “wine” we’ve ever had the displeasure of consuming, but we want the cool bottle for bubble bath. i informed my cohort that since it was a gift for an accountants’ staff party, she could pour it down the sink without guilt and give me the bottle. but she’s such a stickler for not pouring out wine. i suppose that means we have to choke it down so i can have the way cool bottle. the things we sacrifice for friendship and for the wine and the are.....

Old home week!

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:45:26 -0600

here at the wine and the are, we are occasionally, as Hamlet once put it, “traduc’d and tax’d” by those who just don’t get it. in other words, we are regularly the brunt of much mocking. But we don’t care. we’re in our mid-40s now, and as Ian McEwan once so wisely observed, “age is the great disobliger”. as confident, middle-aged chicks, we are not interested in the pshawing of those who wish they were here for the warm camembert and the cool pinot (for jealousy is the root of all scorn... or something).

because once in a while, a stellar week like this one arises, and we spend the better part of it in hilarious, wine-swilling trips down memory lane. not being the nostalgic types (we enjoy living in the moment), we are nevertheless enjoying the fake funeral of Katherine Chancellor and the old faces her (not real) death has brought back to town.

of course, everyone is wearing standard funereal black, so there really is no wardrobe shredding to be done (sadly), though Phyllis’ Paris outfit of a black turkey feather hat and schoolgirl kilt was pitted against Sharon’s stiletto heels traipsing across the uneven cobblestones of Paris. it’s a toss-up as to which was more ridiculous.

But no. the clothing is not the star this week. the marvelous result of the widespread belief that Katherine is dead is a return to Genoa City of some of our favourite characters of all time. Nina chancellor! Brock reynolds! Tracey abbott! Ashley abbott! Liz foster! John abbott! DAnny romalotti! (well, not so much Danny, but we can handle him as it is old home week).

Heed us, Wine and are dictatorship! all that’s missing now are some soft-focus flashbacks featuring 80s feathered hair. put on some of that old footage of danny and Tracey onstage singing the great 80s dance hits for an arena of screaming extras! let’s see the hair-pulling fight between Nina and Jill way back in the 80s! all the actors are the same. wouldn’t it be great to see them interacting in 1983, the year we started watching the wine and the are? What a lovely no-$$ Xmas treat that would be for us!

Just don’t put any of them into cars or elevators during storms. you know how we feel about that.

we’ve heard Ashley’s coming back

Wed, 8 Oct 2008 23:13:04 -0600

but that’’s all we know! i’ve been away for three weeks camping with the old man, and i managed to see 21 minutes of the wine and the are in a bar in waterton lakes provincial park over a barely drinkable glass of box-swill chardonnay. all i saw was an angry young teenager who claimed to be michael’s half-sister. all i know is she was a terrible actor and dressed badly. on that basis, i welcome her into the wine and are family!

Now that I’m home, i trust that my compatriots will catch me up and tell me what i’ve missed. in the meantime, i’ll gaze longingly at nikki’s fire engine-red dress and dream of the days when the stars dressed badly. they’re sure to return....