Philosophy Wars

Episode VI: Return of the Philosopher Kings

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:04:14 +0100

The conclusion to this thrilling saga of epic proportions. One day I will get around to writing something more interesting here, but unfortunately there are too many other pressing demands upon my time, so please enjoy this final title sequence and e-mail me any suggestions for a synopsis of the plot if you wish. If I receive any soon, I’ll publish them on the site just as soon as I get around to it…

Episode V: The Empiricists Strike Back

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:03:19 +0100

NEWSFLASH: In a surprise confrontation between Socratease Kenobi (‘Bob’) and an evil henchman of the Analytic Empire (whose mode of presentation shall remain uncertain, at least until you’ve seen the next episode…), the ancient philosopher was ruthlessly slain by a single swipe from the Dark Lord’s truth-saber! In an apparent taunt to the great behelmeted one, Socrates jibed “You can’t win you know — if you strike me down I will become more knowledgeable than you can possibly imagine!”. What could he have meant? Meanwhile, young Ludwig Starthinker, the hero of our piece, watches on in dismay, powerless to intervene, as his hero and mentor’s life is tragically cut short by this terrible agent of evil, vanishing suddenly in a mysterious puff of logic…

Elsewhere, the Empire are in ruthless pursuit of the philosophical rebels, attempting by fair means or foul to dispose of their speculative arguments. After a fierce debate concerning the fundamental nature of mathematics, the rebel base is destroyed and our friends are forced to flee in their ship, the Phenomenological Reduction, to a remote planet with a rarefied atmosphere of ontological parsimony where Ludwig has a strange vision of his former teacher, Socratease, who advises him to travel to the Transcendental system and seek out a wizened old man with pointy ears who goes by the name of Master Kant. There he will complete his philosophical training and learn the arguments required to bring down the rank brand of empiricism that is sweeping the university. Ludwig complies and finds his new Master to be both fascinating and incomprehensible, as well as a little irritating, if truth be told. He finally breaks off his studies half way through the Transcendental Analytic (which was getting awfully complicated and confusing anyway), to go and rescue his friends, who have travelled to the floating cloud city of Berkeley, and whom he intuits are about to encounter some kind of trouble...

With his philosophical powers still incomplete, Ludwig was unable to discern that his friends’ plight was in fact A TRAP, and he finds himself caught up in the twisted machinations of the evil Emperor, founder and architect of the Analytic Empire, and supreme philosophical ruler of the university (for now, at least). Our hero’s friend, Karl Marxo, has been captured and is encased in synthetic a priori propositions to be sold off to a bounty hunter by the name of Johnny Locke (J-Lo to his friends). Even worse, in an epic duel with the numerically identical agent of evil that brought down his former mentor, our hero is brought face to face with the horrifying truth that he is none other than the son of the Dark Lord himself! Fortunately, Ludwig escapes from the encounter unharmed (well, almost — his hand was cut off, but other than that he’s OK). Scary stuff but with plenty of scope for a sequel, and possibly merchandising rights, the saga concludes in Episode VI: Return of the Philosopher Kings…

Episode IV: A New Hypothesis

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 21:48:19 +0100

It is a time of great confusion. The Platonic Republic, seat of wisdom and justice in the galaxy, has fallen and given way to the evil Analytic Empire, whose army of logicians seeks to dominate and control every rival philosophy by means of an exhaustive set of necessary and sufficient conditions. One by one, the old philosophical systems begin to fall or are assimilated by the new regime as a series of deductively valid arguments. Our story begins with a pair of ancient robots, the quirky and pedantic A-3TO and the loveable but eccentric Plato-D2, whose philosophies have come under sustained and brutal attack (they are, in case you hadn’t already realised, cybernetic re-embodiments of two rather similarly named and equally ancient Earthly philosophers)… Lo and behold the evil Dark Lord himself is one of the boarding party!

After a lot of mucking about that I won’t go into right now, our friends escape, which is just as well considering that they are carrying a secret message for a mysterious hermit known only as Socratease Kenobi (or ‘Bob’ to his friends), who has been hiding out in a remote cave for years, watching the shadows on the walls. The message turns out to be a plea for help from a beautiful and mysterious Princess with a strange hairdo, who is the leader of a group of Rebel philosophers aiming to restore truth and freedom of thought to the galaxy, and finishes (somewhat enigmatically) with the words “Help me, Socratease, you’re my only hope!”. Upon hearing this, Socratease and a young gardener named Ludwig Starthinker realise that their time has come — they must act swiftly to save the university from the forces of darkness…

With the help of two predicate smugglers, Karl Marxo and his hairy but incomprehensible friend, Chewbacon, the companions set off in their spaceship, the Phenomenological Reduction, to confront the Dark Lord and, ultimately, to bring down the Empire once and for all… Unfortunately, they get a lot more than they bargained for, partly because they failed to pay much attention during logic classes and find all the funny symbols a bit confusing, but mostly because the Empire is building a secret weapon that is rumoured to be even more powerful than reductio ad absurdum, so fiendishly destructive that it threatens to undermine the very foundations of philosophy as we know it!
Will Ludwig have what it takes to outsmart the Empire and categorically disprove this new weapon once and for all, or will he be — how shall I put it? — all saying and no showing? Find out in the next thrilling episode of PHILOSOPHY WARS…