My Blog

Sick of The Drama

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 14:39:56 -0500

Dear Dating Girl,

My best guy friend always seems to date really high-maintenance women. I wouldn’t care really (it’s his life right?) except that every time he has a girlfriend it messes with our friendship. He can’t hang out when he wants to, these women are calling him all the time or want to do everything with him and freak out if he wants to just hang out with his buddies. He’s such an easy going, fun guy, I can’t figure out why he’s attracted to this personality type. How can I make him see that he’d be so much happier if he was with someone who’s not so much work and creating constant drama in his life?

Sick of the Drama

Dear Sick,

You can’t. Make him see, that is. Who knows why he dates these kinds of women. Maybe because he’s such a laid back guy with his buddies, he likes a little drama in his relationships. Maybe, dating women that want to know where he is and want to be with him all the time makes him feel needed and loved. It doesn’t really matter why. No matter what you think is best for your friend or what might make him happier, you don’t get to decide. He does. Like you said, it’s his life, right? You unfortunately have to accept this and enjoy whatever friendship you do get from him. And find other friends to hang with when he can’t come out and play.

How Sweet is Too Sweet?

Dear Dating Girl,

I’m a 24-year-old guy and I have several female friends that I hang out with. They often talk about men and complain about guys not being emotionally available. What do they mean by this? If they mean by this that they are looking for guys who are more sensitive and in touch with her emotions, I’m confused. Because as far as I can tell, the guys they end up going out with are completely insensitive yet they keep going out with them. But the guys they describe as “sweet” never make it past date one. How does one be the “emotionally available” guy women are looking for without falling into the dreaded “sweet” category?

How Sweet it Too Sweet?

Dear How,

When a woman says she wants a guy who is “emotionally available,” she’s basically saying that she wants a guy who is sensitive to her needs but not so sensitive that he doesn’t have a sense of himself. Saying a guy is “sweet” is a nice way of saying that he’s maybe a little too passive and a bit of a pushover. Most men and women want to meet someone who is at least somewhat independent and self-assured and, yes, even a little bit of a challenge. It keeps it interesting. The problem is, there’s a find line between self-assured and self-absorbed so yes, sometimes women will be attracted to a guy who comes across as confident and self-assured only to discover he’s really just self-absorbed and, yes, insensitive.

Mystery Meeting

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:59:03 -0500

Dear Dating Girl,

I’m a 35-year-old male who recently met a woman online. We exchanged a few emails, eventually talked on the phone and I felt like we clicked. We decided to meet. I was hoping to meet her in a public place, perhaps have a “hello” drink, and then move on. If we found ourselves attracted to each other, fine. If not, no harm done. She arrived before I did, with a friend. She was polite, we shook hands, smiled, etc. She was quite attractive and very classy. Then she made the excuse that she and her friend had some errands to run and that she had no time right then to go in and have a drink. I smiled, accepted the situation, and left. I got the feeling she was very disappointed in my appearance. I’m in good shape, although slightly graying at the temples. I’ve been referred to as “nice looking” and “a good catch.” Should I email her and let her know what I’m thinking? I thought about calling her all weekend, but I couldn’t bring myself to dial the number. Should I just forget it and move on?

Mystery Meeting

Dear Mystery,

The ego is such a delicate thing isn’t it? You say yourself that you went into the meeting feeling that “if you were attracted to each other, fine, if not, move on.” And no doubt had you not been physically attracted to her, you would have easily moved on. With the shoe on the other foot, it’s a little harder to walk away. I’m sure you’re a perfectly attractive man, maybe even a “catch,” but physical attraction is a very personal thing. Who knows why you didn’t work for her? Unfortunately, this is one of the risks of online dating. You can “click” till the cows come home, but everything changes when you meet and physical chemistry butts in. If you’re going to play this game, you can’t take it too personally. After all, she wasn’t nasty about it (unlike your catty comment about her being dressed to go clubbing). She was just being practical. Would you rather she had had a drink with you and pretended you had a chance? Take your own advice and move on.

Looking to Unlatch

Dear Dating Girl,

I seem to have the same problem every time I meet someone and we click. I can’t seem to stop myself from latching on as if they were the last lifeboat on a sinking ship. I try to take things slow, to be cool, to not build expectations but this feels false. Is it really that bad to show you’re interested if you like someone? I just feel like you might as well find out as quickly as you can if they like you as much as you like them. But my girlfriends tell me this is the best way to push guys away even if they start out liking you. What do you think? And if that’s true, what can I do to be myself but not get so attached so quickly?

Looking to Unlatch

Dear Looking,

It’s great you don’t play games but yes, showing too much enthusiasm too early – say, throwing your arms around his legs when he gets up to go for coffee on your first date -- can set off some people’s alarm bells. They may suddenly think that this perfectly lovely sane woman they thought they’d met is actually needy, clingy and perhaps a tad mentally unstable. I know it’s rare to click with someone and I don’t want to kill your optimism and suggest you should become a cynical emotionless fembot but turning it down a notch or two for the first few dates is not such a bad idea. To do this, remind yourself that clicking is just that, clicking. It feels good yes, but you don’t actually know one another. Keep your excitement to yourself for now and enjoy the feeling. Be conscious of what you’re projecting and how you’re coming across to these guys early on. In your own head, a comment about how well things are going and how well you think he’d get along with your parents may be intended to simply imply that you think he’s the kind of guy parents in general would like but to him, he’s suddenly thinking you’ll be wanting to bring him home to meet the folks on date two.

Nothing From Something

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:01:32 -0500

Dear Dating Girl,

I met this great guy through Eharmony.com. Our first date was incredible and lasted about seven hours. He said he didn’t want it to end. Our next four dates were equally great. We’d also talk effortlessly on the phone for hours. Then, he disappeared. He basically went away for a weekend and then never returned my phone calls or texts. I finally texted him saying I deserved a response. He responded saying he was sorry, that he thought I was a great but that things were moving too fast for him. He said he felt a physical connection with me but couldn’t see it working long-term and he didn’t want to hurt me. I responded that I appreciated his honesty, respected his decision and would like to remain friends if he was up for it. He said that would be tough for him because he still felt a lot for me emotionally. Seriously, I don’t get it. He likes me too much to be friends but not enough to be my boyfriend? My friends say he got scared or intimidated or wasn’t ready for a commitment but I don’t really believe that. What do you think?

Nothing From Something

Dear Nothing,

I wish friends would stop telling friends that someone isn’t interested in them because they’re intimidated or not ready for a commitment or whatever insultingly pat rational we come up with to try and make you feel less like a rejected loser, I mean to make you feel better. I know they’re just trying to help. But it often just clouds the issue and makes you feel like if only you could have done something differently, maybe it could have worked. Like what, be less intimidating? So you’re right not to believe them. You’d be much better off listening to your own explanation. That is, he likes you too much to be friends but not enough to be your boyfriend. You say you don’t get it but it’s not that hard to get. He felt a connection that was stronger than friendship but not strong enough for him to pursue something long-term. It’s too bad you had to drag it out of him – people are a bit cowardly when it comes to rejecting people --but now you know. Move on.

Hotel Wrong-dezvous?

Dear Dating Girl,

I am a 25-year-old military veteran who started seeing a 40-year-old Russian woman after we met taking a class together. Things were going great. We dined often, and slept together several times. Although it wasn’t a serious relationship, it was still great. I really loved her, even without the sex. But she suddenly lost interest in me about a month ago because she felt I was getting too serious and putting too much pressure on her. I was very crushed but tried to accept this. I’ve recently found out we will be in the same city together over the holidays and she agreed to meet me. I’ve already booked the hotel but I feel like things won’t be the same and this makes me sad. Do you think I have a chance of getting her back?

Hotel Wrong-dezvous?

Dear Hotel,

Things very likely won’t be the same and you will be sad. And no, I don’t think you have a chance of getting her back, only because I don’t think you ever fully had her on board beyond a casual sexual fling. And it sounds to me like you’re more serious about your “relationship” that you want to admit – “I loved her even without the sex.” I’m not sure why she has agreed to meet up with you again – I suspect she’s in it for the ego stroking or a casual sexual fling – but if you go into this with too many expectations I fear you’ll only set yourself up to be disappointed once again. If you simply can’t resist meeting her, forgo the hotel meeting and meet for coffee first to see where’s she’s at.