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Love Him or Leave Him?

Thu, 2 Jul 2009 14:21:55 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

I am 39 and a divorced mom. After many creepy online experiences I finally met a good guy and we’ve been together for two years. He is like no one I have ever known before, kind, sweet and has a good heart. We have great chemistry in and out of the bedroom. We laugh together, cook together, watch movies together, and he spends most nights at my place. My problem is that when we first got together, it was supposed to be more of a companionship because he eventually wants to marry and have kids, and I do not. We agreed to spend time together knowing one day our time together would end. Neither of us expected it to last this long. Now I’m crazy about him, and want him around me all the time. I’m in love with him but afraid to say it. I think he feels the same way but neither one of us has mentioned the “l” word. I don’t want to lose him but I also don’t want to keep him from living the life he wants, and to experience the joys of having children. I am constantly at war with myself over this. Should I tell him how I feel or keep it to myself for fear of pushing the issue and forcing us to make a sad decision about our future together?

Love Him or Leave Him?
 Dear Love,

Here’s the rub. We can go into any kind of relationship with the clearest of intentions and the most definite rules about what you want it to be or not to be. But ultimately, none of it matters because you’re not the boss of your heart. It runs the show. So, despite all your best efforts to merely be companions, you can’t stop yourself from falling in love with someone. That’s why they call it “falling in love” as opposed to “making a measured and carefully calculated decision be in love.” So, what do you do? Well, you can’t ignore how you feel. But, as you so admirably say, “you don’t want to keep him from living the life he wants, and to experience the joys of having children.” So you two have to face the music and talk about this. Instead of worrying about when to say the “l” word, you need to have a grown-up conversation about what’s going on. You need to tell him exactly where you’re at, that you’re falling hard for him but that you both knew from the beginning what you both wanted and you would never want to hold him back from having the life he wants. Then it’s up to him to decide what to do. You’re at a slight advantage that way because you choice works with the current situation. He’s the one who has to decide how important kids are. If that’s still his ultimate plan, he needs to tell you now and face the reality of the situation. It may be that he is thinking you’ll come around and want kids if you love him enough. If that’s not the case for you, you owe it to him to have that conversation. It’s a heartbreaking situation but you can’t keep avoiding it and hope it will just go away.

Looking For Affair Assessment

Dear Dating Girl,

I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for three years. Her husband knows about our relationship and says he wants to split up -- he’s engaged in his own casual affairs after learning about his wife’s infidelity -- but she still has emotional baggage about him. We both enjoy the affection that our relationship offers and the connection we share through hours of conversation. However, I am still attracted to other women. Also, I resent having to keep a low profile, as it’s bad for my self-esteem. What do you make of all this?

Looking for Affair Assessment

Dear Looking,

Wow, three years. I’m always amazed that people can manage a three-year affair…heck, that’s longer than most people’s relationships last. If the lying and covering your tracks isn’t enough to exhaust you, I would think, as you say, the having to constantly play back up to someone’s primary relationship, would eventually wear one’s self-esteem down to a dull nub. Oh, and I love the mature way her husband responded to her infidelity – by having his own affairs. That sounds like a rock-solid relationship to begin with. But even if they do decide to end things, you’ve got enough on your plate to worry about – not only will you then be dealing with a woman who has just come out of a serious relationship and will either want to bask in her new found freedom and spread her wings (which despite your saying you are still attracted to other women, will no doubt give your self-esteem another good bashing) or who will desperately cling to your affair because she doesn’t want to be alone. Either way, you’re asking for trouble. I think the best thing you could do for yourself and for her is to be honest with her – tell her that you want her to work things out with her husband, that is, to work at ending the relationship or to work through all this and stay together. Then tell her that while you love spending time with her, this affair has done a number on your self-esteem and that you need to work on feeling more confident and sure about yourself and that if she does split with hubbie, you’re not prepared to commit completely to a relationship with her. I know, all easier said than done. But that’s the problem with messy situations like yours…you have to get your hands dirty cleaning them up.

Parental Control Freaks

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:17:30 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

I’m in my late 20s and live at home (we’re Italian) but my parents won’t butt out of my personal life. I recently wanted to stay overnight with a guy I’ve started dating whom they hadn’t met. I called them out of respect to let them know I wouldn’t be coming home and they insisted on coming to get me (the guy couldn’t drive me home because he was recovering from an injury). I can understand their viewpoint as parents, they don’t know the guy, they worry about me but it makes me feel like they don’t trust me or have confidence in my decision-making. How can I explain that while I respect them I need them to stay out of my personal life without hurting their feelings?

Parental Control Freaks

Dear Parental,

How about saying exactly what you wrote me: “Mom and Dad, I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I respect you but I need you to stay out of my personal life.” You might want to also throw in a, “you’ve raised me well” (a little buttering up always makes people more receptive) “but I’m 27 and I need you to trust that I can make the right decisions for myself.” There, that wasn’t so hard was it? Sure, you may get the old “as long as you’re under our roof, you’ll live by our rules” response which will no doubt trigger the “no fair, you guys suck” kid response in you but the way to win this one is to prove to them you are the intelligent, responsible, respectful adult offspring that you obviously are. Remain calm, continue to reiterate that, while you respect their viewpoint, you need them to respect yours. And if they can’t, there’s another option seriously worth considering at your age that will solve the problem completely: Move out!

Sending Regrets

Dear Dating Girl,

Why, oh why, did I click send? I’ve recently messed up as a result of the ole “drunken email.” After one too many, I contacted my ex-girlfriend and I’m now regretting opening old wounds. We’ve been apart for almost a year now, and according to her email, she has traveled the world “and damn if you (I) never left my head that whole time.” It was the same for me (minus the traveling the world part). Other things she said in her email led me to believe she thinks things could restart between us. The problem is that she also told me she has a boyfriend adding, “If I can’t ever really have you, I would be your friend.” I very much want to be with her, but whenever I think about her, it hurts to much too even think about just “staying in touch” without being able to have her entirely.

Sending Regrets

Dear Sending, 
That would be the downside of the ease of modern communication forms. I recently interviewed a couple of women from New York who’ve just published a book about the etiquette of “flirtexting” (for info, go to flirtexting.com) in a world where text and email are the preferred methods of communication. They talked about the importance of avoiding TUI, that is, “texting under the influence,” be it alcohol, emotional distress or hormonal imbalance. They suggest that you have a “sponsor,” someone to whom you send the text or email to when the urge to send a text or email that you know on some level you shouldn’t be sending. That way your sponsor can read it first and barrage you with all the reasons you should not send it. Of course, a lot of good that advice does you now but maybe just keep that in your pocket for future. As for your current mess, your last line is all I need to hear to make me tell you to throw your computer off your balcony (or whatever elevated venue is available to you) and do not contact this woman again. I don’t know what her game it saying things to you that imply she’s still into you when she’s with someone else but it’s completely unfair and spells trouble with a capital “T.” You two being “friends” is about as likely as me and Sarah Palin becoming buds so don’t even go there. If you want, you could tell her to look you up if she and her guy split. But I’d still be careful, and maybe you could distract yourself by coming up with a device that stops you from emailing when you’re drunk. Oh wait, Google already did that with Mail Goggles software. Download it.

Difficult Guy

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:55:42 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

I’m 20, single, and starting to get bored with single life. My problem is, I’m only attracted to girls who are total strangers. I don’t find any of the women I know attractive enough to go out with. My friends tell me I’m really difficult when it comes to women, which I guess doesn’t help. I find myself attracted to girls I see downtown or girls in my class that I don’t know, but I have no clue how to initiate a conversation. You might think I’m superficial, but I think it’svreally important to be attracted to someone if you’re going to havev a meaningful relationship. How can I strike up a conversation without the girl looking at me like a loser or a reject?

Difficult Guy

Dear Difficult,

Right, unlike you, the rest of us only like to go out with people we think are gross. What are you on about dude? Of course it’s important to be attracted to someone to have a relationship. It’s also important NOT to get into a relationship because you’re bored. And, I must say, if you’re already bored with single life at 20, that might be a bigger problem than trying to talk to strangers. I am curious about how this would work, though. If you were to talk to a woman you didn’t know, wouldn’t you then know her and by your logic, no longer be attracted to her? Hmmm ... now, that is a dilemma.
As for approaching women and not having them look at you like a loser or a reject, well, you can start by not approaching them assuming they will look at you like a loser or a reject. It’s like going in already admitting defeat and trust me, it’s not turn on. Don’t make the mistake a lot of guys make. I was walking down the street recently and this guy was walking along beside me and started talking to the space in front of him. At first I thought he was mentally not all there until I realized he was trying to initiate a conversation with me. If you’re going to talk to strangers, don’t be a wimp about it. And prepare yourself for a certain amount of rejection, because a lot of women are bugged when men they don’t know approach them. After all, most of us are raised not to talk to strangers. But that’s simply the risk you face if you only want to talk to strangers.

Discouraged

Dear Dating Girl,

I’m a man in my mid-30s, who moved to Montreal about a year ago from a fairly small college town. When I went out to party there, I would see women who were college-age or maybe a couple of years older. I figured this was because it was a small town. But here in Montreal, it seems to be the same. I go to bars and clubs where all the women seem to be below the age of 25. Itbseems like women over the age of, say, 26, stop partying. Is this true? Where does one meet slightly older women who are cool and have successful careers and lives, and are grownups - say, between 27 and 37? Don’t tell me to join some club or take some class, please - it’s too mercenary for my tastes. Online dating is a nightmare. I’ve become a bit,

Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

Isn’t that just the drag about being all grown up and having a successful career: shooters until 3 a.m. every night gets pushed right down the list in favour of, say, sleep. Besides, would you go out to a club if you felt like every young thing there was wearing a skirt so tiny, you could wear it as a headband? We get enough of that on a daily basis. We have no need to seek it out during downtime. That’s not to say we old ladies never party. I’m well past 37 and I still like to party. Maybe it’s the clubs you go to. I don’t go to dance clubs unless I want to dance. If I want to meet people, I prefer places where I might actually be able to hear them, like a pub where the atmosphere is more social and less about seeing and being seen. And you can actually hear yourself speak over the music.
Or I create my own party. Have a dinner party and invite every single person over 27 that you know. And OK, you don’t want to join a club or take a class. Been to a bookstore lately? They’re crawling with smart, single people. Of course, if you’re not interested in these options, you could just sit at home on your couch and hope smart, fun, grownup women fall from the sky into your lap.