My Blog

Dealing With Ex-cessive Behaviour

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 11:07:41 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

I let my ex down easy, but I think that was a mistake, for he now seems to be clinging or trying to win me back. He got a job where I work, constantly emails me (he doesn’t call anymore because he knows I won’t pick up), asks me out on romantic dates, and tries to make me jealous with other girls. I’ve told him that he’s upsetting me, yet this goes on. In your opinion, should I just come out and tell him I’ve started dating someone else -- a fact he is unaware of -- and that this is over and done with? He seems a bit obsessed, and I’m worried about his reaction.

Dealing With Ex-essive Behaviour

Dear Dealing,

I’d say you’re right; he is a tad obsessed. In fact, it sounds like he’s basically stalking you and, unless you do something about it, he’s probably not going to stop.
Most stalkers are ex-boyfriends of the victim. And, in most cases, it is a scenario just like your own in which a woman has tried to break up with a guy who just doesn’t get it. The guy just can’t accept no longer being wanted.
According to the law stalking includes a) repeatedly following another person from place to place; b) repeatedly communicating with another person; c) hanging out or watching the person’s residence or workplace and d) engaging in threatening conduct directed at another person or any member of their family.
He may not have threatened you per se but everything else he’s doing pretty much fits the bill. It’s none of his business that you’re seeing someone else. And someone who gets a job where you work and constantly harasses you isn’t suddenly going to go, “ Oh gee, I guess she’s with someone else, I should leave her alone.” It’s more likely he will even become more obsessed with winning you back.
I hate to say it, but if this behaviour continues, you really need to go to the police. In the meantime, keep track of all his e-mails and keep a record of all the things he does that make you uncomfortable as evidence.
You need to protect yourself and even if this guy seems harmless, you never know what he might do. Let the police handle it. In most stalking cases, once the stalker’s behaviour is made public – that is, it is no longer some delusional private relationship he has with you – he’ll stop and move on. Otherwise, he’ll most likely keep up this behaviour as long as you tolerate it.

Fooling Around

Dear Dating Girl,

I feel like such a fool! I finally worked up the nerve to approach this woman I like for a date, but she kept bailing at the last minute whenever we made plans. I just figured she had a busy social life. The one time we actually did go out, she insisted we go to this certain bar, where she flirted with the bartender the whole time. What do you think is going on here?

Fooling Around

Dear Fooling,

Probably exactly the same thing that you think is going on but don’t want to accept. This girl is not interested in you and either doesn’t have the nerve to tell you or is toying with you. Maybe she gets off on the attention. We can be screwed up that way.
Of course, there is the remote possibility that she actually likes you but is scared of her own feelings, so she keeps bailing at the last minute or sabotaging her chances with you by flirting with other men on a date when you’re out. Whatever her deal is, you need to either a) confront her about it, find out her version of what’s going on and see if there is something workable there, or b) head for the hills. This kind of “come here, go away’’ behaviour used to suck me right in and I’d get all into convincing them I was the one that could make it work, or I’d just get so into the thrill of the chase. But then I got tired, and when someone pulled this kind of stuff I’d say “screw it,’’ move on and see if they come crawling back. If they did, I’d usually moved on by that time. If they didn’t, I’d be even more certain I made the right decision.

Pondering My Protection Period

Mon, 8 Sep 2008 10:33:29 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

I have written to you previously about being frigid ever since my boyfriend of four years (my first ever) and I broke up. I am now 21 and single. Your response was very helpful. My sex drive improved with time and reflection. However, in an attempt to have good, clean fun, I am getting the famous HPV shot. I think I have to stay abstinent throughout the three shots (administered over a six-month period) to assure full protection. It bugs me out a little, but it’s for a good cause. Do you have any pointers on how to make the most out of this abstinence period? Like maybe mediate on some issues, discover myself a little more? And let’s say I do meet a handsome young lad between shots (it’s summertime after all). How do I bring up the subject in a nice way?

Pondering My Protection Period

Dear Pondering,

I am very glad to hear my advice was helpful and that you have discovered that break-ups, no matter how much they hurt at the time, can be survived and you will eventually bounce back. It’s all part of the old live-and-learn process. I am, however, concerned about your logic surrounding the HPV shot, or series of shots, as you say. You say you are getting vaccinated “in an attempt to have good, clean fun.” You do realize that while the HPV vaccine Gardasil will protect you from the four strains of the sexually transmitted Human Pappilomavirus linked to cervical cancer, it will not protect you from all strains of HPV (there are over 1000), nor will it protect you from herpes, Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis or pregnancy? In other words, you will still have to use birth control and a condom if you want to have sex, especially if you’re thinking of having casual sex, which I’m suspecting you are given your “it’s summertime and I’m looking for some good, clean, fun” sentiments. I also have some concerns about the vaccine itself. I’m all for taking all the precautions we can to stay sexually healthy. But I do worry that by vaccinating all young women, we are giving them a false sense of security. That, as long as they get “the shot” sex is risk-free. We’re already lousy about considering sexual consequences. I don’t think we need more incentive to be lazy about it. It’s part of a larger societal trend to believing that all our problems can be fixed with pharmaceuticals, which also concerns me. For instance, we know nothing of the long-term affects of this vaccine. We don’t even know yet if you need a booster shot for it after a few years. I’m not trying to scare you, but I just think there are more complex issues at stake with this vaccine that go beyond that simple little “I wanna be one less” jingle in the Gardasil ads. As for your question about abstaining between shots, well, generally the thinking is that this vaccine is most affective in women who have never been sexually active. You’ve only been with one other partner and it’s unlikely that you became infected with the virus but you can’t be 100% sure of that. So I presume your doctor has done a pap test and possibly even an HPV test to make sure you don’t already have the virus. If so, you are best to keep your clothes on if you meet anyone while you’re getting the shots. HPV is transmitted by genital skin-to-skin contact meaning you don’t have to necessarily have intercourse to get it so, even fooling around partially naked with someone could put you at risk before the vaccine has time to take full effect. For more info on HPV and Gardasil, go to: www.scarleteen.com/article/infection/the_hpv_vaccine_faq.

Name Shamed

Dear Dating Girl,

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple months now and things have been going well. Recently we’ve begun having sex. The problem is that we have very similar names. My name is Jordan and hers in Jordyn (pronounced the same way). We are both experienced and have had several partners, however the name thing has become a problem, for me at least. It makes me feel very awkward when she says my name or when I say hers during intercourse because it induces feelings of homosexuality. I am considering breaking up with her because this has made it very difficult for me to climax during sex. The name thing was never a problem until now and we still get along great; it just feels really weird now that our relationship has escalated. What should I do?

Name Shamed

Dear Name,

I remember interviewing a researcher many years ago who was studying what attracts us to one person over another. He had come up with some interesting findings about how early experiences, combined with smell and memory associations make up a sort of blueprint for whom we will be attracted to in adulthood. His research concluded that the majority of us are attracted to people of similar backgrounds, cultures, and classes and he even documented cases where people chose a partner whose name began with the same letter. Seems you have taken this one even further. But seriously, you’re actually thinking of breaking up with her over this? Have you talked to her about this? Surely, you could come up with some kind of pet name for her if it’s that big a problem. I mean, can you imagine telling that story down the road: “Yeah, I was totally into this woman but I had to break up with her because our names sounded the same and it creeped me out in bed, because it made me feel gay.” Sure, folks won’t find that crazy at all.
But aside from the lame break up story you’d be left with, I am a little perplexed about the fact that saying her name induces feelings of homosexuality. I’m pretty sure simply uttering a guy’s name while having sex doesn’t trigger homosexuality. You might want to dig a little there.  If you’re experiencing homosexual feelings, it may be that, well, you’re gay, or at least bisexual. Because in my books, you don’t experience gay feelings unless you’re gay. Uttering a name isn’t going to “turn you gay.”

Spaced Out

Mon, 1 Sep 2008 21:44:19 -0400

Dear Dating Girl,

Mr. Indecisive and I have been dating for over eight months now. We have a fantastic time together, lots of laughs etc., totally connect and enjoy each other’s company. At the beginning, we lived in two separate towns (120 kms or so apart). Then he got a job where I live and stayed with me four days a week. He has since sold his house where he lives. We discussed getting a place to live together but he has decided he doesn’t want that and instead wants to get a place of his own here. He said he wants time and space to think about what he wants. He has been staying with me for the past two months while he looks for a house. He constantly tells me that he just doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship. He says that I am perfect and I am the closest to “Mrs. Right” that he has ever been with and thinks that I am too good for him and I deserve better. This discussion comes up on a regular basis but he has made no steps to move out or look for a place of his own and, in the meantime, he is putting my heart through the wringer. He has also decided in the past week that we should not have sex until he decides what he wants. On top of all this, I have grown fond of and close to his two children. I am so confused. He says he doesn’t want to breakup, that he just wants space and time. All my girlfriends think I am totally wasting my time and I should pull the plug and tell him to get out. The problem is I think I’ve fallen in love with him. On the other hand, I think that by not breaking up with him I am just postponing the inevitable and he will eventually break up with me. He says he wants to be with me and can’t really imagine his life without me in it but in the next breath he says he doesn’t know what he wants but wants to be together in the meantime. I have been crying for days. I just don’t know if I should be patient and wait to see what he figures out or if I should just hit the road. It feels like my heart is in a blender.

Spaced Out

Dear Spaced,

I don’t see why you’re confused. I mean, it’s all so clear. Your guy is being a big, mean dopeyhead who is treating someone he claims to like so much he can’t imagine his life without her like she’s a doormat who can wipe his feet all over while she just lies there and takes it. Man, I hate to imagine how this guy treats people he doesn’t like. Listen to your friends. Give this guy the boot. At least tell him to find somewhere else to crash while he looks for a place. As long as he’s sleeping under your roof and not sleeping with you while he waffles about saying obnoxious things like how you’re almost Mrs. Right (be still, my heart) and how you’re too good for him (he’s probably right but that’s your call, not his). And how nice of him to drag his kids through his incertitude. You know how kids love instability and uncertainty. You say you “think” you’ve fallen in love with this guy. Well, there’s certainly something clouding your perspective here. Whether it’s love or that crazy-making illogical pull that feels like love when someone is pulling away and jerking you around, I’m not sure. But, in my experience, real love doesn’t make you cry for days on end and usually makes your heart feel a flutter not blended to a pulp. Tell this guy to take his space and make his decision-making under somebody else’s roof. And that you don’t want to see him under yours until he’s ready to blend together or shut off the blender once and for all.

Affectionately Not Mine

Dear Dating Girl,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months. He has been through the military and a few bad relationships in the recent past. I honestly fell in love with him months ago. I would tell him daily how I felt about him and he said that he appreciated this. He reacts positively towards my affection yet he is never be affectionate in return. He is NEVER affectionate. He tells me he is someone who is physically but not verbally affectionate and that he wants to take the relationship slowly, but for me, this is much too slowly. He doesn’t even know if he loves me yet. I backed off and told him I fell out of love. I did this on purpose to put myself on his level. He seemed upset by this but and then told me he loved me but then admitted this was just because he wanted me to be happy. Is this my fault? Do I have a right to get mad at him for not knowing if he loves me or not, or for thinking that he is moving too slowly? It’s very hard for me to deal with his lack of feelings for me yet time and time again he reassures me he has a lot of feelings for me but just wants to go slow. We are on opposite ends of the country right now and he’s coming to visit in two weeks and I’m not sure how to act. Should I be cold and let him come to me or should I try to push him to move things forward in case he’s just being shy.

Affectionately Not Mine

Dear Affectionately,

Most of us have had a bad relationship or two in our past. And while these no doubt affect our actions in subsequent relationships, they are not a license to treat people badly. Okay? Now that said, we are all grown-ups here and we are responsible for making our own decisions about whether we want to be around people who make us feel bad. This guy is making you feel bad. You can get as mad as you want at him for not knowing if he loves you or not. You can try and manipulate him by telling him you don’t love him when you really do in order to get him to lie to you to make you feel better. You can play distant and cold and try to get him to react. But all this will achieve is to make you crazy trying to make the right move to get the reaction you want. None of it will change how he feels. I know I say this all the time, but it apparently warrants constant repeating: Instead of trying to get someone to feel the way you want them to feel or do what you want them to do, listen to what they are telling you and believe it. He is someone who is more physical than verbal and he wants to move slowly. And, unfortunately for you, because he’d the one who wants to move more slowly, he gets to set the pace. It’s like relationships where one person wants more sex than the other. It’s the person who wants less sex, who controls the frequency. No matter what you do to try and manipulate him into feeling what you want him to feel or saying what you want him to say, or try to rationalize that he is just being shy and needs you to push him harder, that is the reality. You have to accept that if you want to continue this and back off or you need to back away.