I’ve been getting a lot of speaking offers lately, but sadly none that are up to my high, prestigious standards. At first I thought I might just have to wait it out, but then I thought; “who waits?” Why wait when I could motivate?

That’s right, friends. I’m now diving into the realm of self-help. I aim to be a self-proclaimed guru by the end of the summer. My genre? Chewing.

I believe that a solemn minority of human beings actually chew their food. That is why I have taken up the ax, the war, the battle cry if you will, against ignorance in defense of chewing.

Chewing is a beautiful, natural process and a sacred right. Did you know that whole settlements of early humans had to invent chewing in the fledgling days of history? Through my extensive research and breakneck, Nicholas Cage-style archaeological scavenging I have unearthed ancient scrolls that describe in detail the art of chewing. Early societies had scarcely an idea as to the full range of the teeth as tools for breaking apart the food. Boy, were they shocked to find that their antelope and wooly mammoth were much more delectable chewed than manually grated into meat-mush. They also found that they could then eat more meat than before and hence their twiggy, stick-like figures were forever bulked, giving them the eternal advantage over the voracious, human-hunting saber tooth tigers. I see chewing as the sole reason for the survival of the human race.

As for my theory about chewing in the modern centuries, I believe that with a properly chewed meal, a person can conquer all their fears and anxieties. Each bite literally wipes away past mistakes and ushers in a new and promising future. On a grander scale, chewing can single-handedly bring about world peace and is essentially the key to life and death.

That’s why I’ve crafted the easy twenty seven step pathway to proper, fruitful chewing. With this radical (if I may say so) process, you too can have a healthy chewing life. From biting down and releasing to swallowing properly chewed food and even to calisthenic chewing exercises (see above), I will provide a well manicured path to the rest of your life. Welcome to your world chewed correctly.

Look forward to this and more in the upcoming and highly anticipated book In Defense of Chewing by lauded chewing activist Eva Gross. Available soon everywhere books are sold.