I know you’ve all been wondering. Yes, my Olympic dreams have come true. I put my head in the game, gave 110%, and dug deep into my soul to unleash the intense focus, killer concentration, and hidden winning ability only a true Olympiad can power forth. I just went out there and saw what happened, visualized the goal and walked away with the gold. And a rather large stuffed animal. Mom, you shouldn’t have.

What sport you may ask? What event? You would rightly ask, Eva aren’t the Olympics not for another month or so? And I would tell you yes, but you are obviously not hip-to-the-lingo enough to know that the real, true, and rightfully awesome event of the Olympics is held right here in the backyard of a home in Leesburg, Virginia and is the pinnacle of Olympic success: The Mock Olympic Podium Photo Shoot In Which I, Eva Gross, Pretend To Put To Shame Two Much More Athletic and Competitively Minded Young Lads From Potomac Hills Youth Group, All In The Name of A New, Hip, and Hopefully Hilarious Youth Group Flier.

I’m not kidding you people, this event has been around for eons. Long before I was even born. I know, weird, that my name is already in the event title, right? Well, it turns out that this particular event has its origins in ancient Irken times when a small girl named Eva Gros`z picked up a stick and insisted that her father, who was a stone carver, chisel a likeness of herself holding the stick in a way in which it appeared that she had won an award in the prestigious Olympic games.

But enough with history, because that’s boring (though completely not made up). On to the present, in which I have claimed the highest honor and medal to prove I am “The Best”; the official, honored title coveted by many but held by so few. In fact, this event is so exclusive and strenuous that only the ancient, small girl and I have ever won. Sorry, Sam and Dan. I guess you’ll just have to train a little harder next time in order for me to not accidentally leave the door ajar so that your dog will run away down the street and I will only make things worse by chasing her. Better luck next time.

So I guess this means I’m set for life. Sure, it’s going to be hard having hit my peak so early, but I think for now, I’m going to take the advise of a wise sage and “just coast.” Maybe I’ll be given numerous honorary degrees and speaking engagements at college graduations. Yeah, that’s really all I need right now.

Plus, I’ll always have my llamas.