Bloggage in the pipeline!

Complication across de Nation

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 14:13:37 +0100

I’m an Apple Mac McBore. A SkyPlus HD Hag. An Online Ocado Shopping Slut. An iPod Idiot. A Networking Nut. A gadget guru. A printer pain in the pixels.

But I was thinking a couple of days ago after my aunt’s funeral about old Uncle Doug and his Triumph Herald, which he couldn’t drive very well...reminded me of tube tickets that got torn in half by a person, phone boxes where you had to push a button to get the coin in once the callee had answered, seven inches of glory in my hand on the way back from the record shop, ok even Auntie Freddie’s home-made jam with paper and elastic-band at the top, getting onto planes “easily”, formula one grand prix (see arrowed pic above) where the car isn’t monitored by banks of computers, swimmers who didn’t use all-over scientifically configured body-suits, not hearing about people’s opinions in BLOGS.....er, wait for it, wait for it.....

I absolutely LOVE gadgets, technology, satellites, science-fiction, recording Miss Marple on my SkyPlus HD box...aaah, Miss Marple, country cottages, old-fashioned murder, churches, vicars...ah, maybe I should move to the countryside (my buddy Martin says I won’t last a week) where I could breathe nice simple country air, write music in my huge comfortable cottage and watch all my fave programmes on my satellite TV, contact people on my broadband...er hang on, hang on...

Technology is amazing but what about the golden age of smoky polluting but beautiful romantic TRAINS (when punctuality was guaranteed)...aah nostalgia? Again? Surely not...

The truth of the matter is I guess one occasionally pines for the past and simpler things if one isn’t hugely satisfied or sufficiently emotionally sated by one’s own lot. Mmmm...

Virgin Trains’ Pendolino with swivelling swerving bending-overness or the Golden Arrow speeding its way up north with curled-up sandwiches and smoke belching into the countryside?

In the 60’s there were one or two convenience meals (Vesta curries and TV dinners) whereas now there are zillions all microwaveable...but then we now also have zillions of exotic fruits veg and fish that are available in most supermarkets...Good things or Bad Things??? Or just Things?

There weren’t portable phones where you can access everything you ever wanted to know on-the-go, which told you your exact location and which photographed it too...which you could watch the cricket on.....

But does any of that make life er er better now?

I really believed when I was a kid that when I grew up we’d live in a sci-fi world with flying cars and space stations, with walls that were TVs and where on every phone you would see a picture of the other person you called....

Well we’re almost there. Life is now necessarily complicated (except in much of the Third World, I know) and our brains and temperament have had to adjust to cope. A Good Thing?

This blog is a RambleBlog. A SoWhatBlog. A “Duh”Blog. All obvious really.

I love gadgets and I love iPlayer, microwaves and Space Shuttles.

But I also have a Headache, not a headache you understand, a Headache.

Oh well, autumn (that’s fall for you dear American Readist) draws on. The leaves are dropping and lay crisp and crumply on my temporary pathway. The gate and front door are more ill-fitting as the joys of weather and contraction/expansion work their way into London SW12’s residences. Soon the rains will come. Then the cold cold weather, and the thoughts of the end of another year will weigh upon the mind (if you suffer that sort of thing...).

That certainly isn’t too complicated to understand, it’s been happening since the Dawn of Time. Whereas next year, there’ll be a new iPhone.

Won’t there?

2009: Twitter ye not, missus!

Fri, 1 May 2009 14:00:55 +0100

Obama sworn into office (twice)
World Heavy Duty Recession (Load of Bankers)
Cricket England vs West Indies a bit dismal
Sold my house, renting one in London SW12: Bali-ham, Gateway to My Next Phase, wherever that may be
Andrew Horrific Flippin’ Lloyd-Trousers co-writes UK Eurovision Song Contest Entry (this year’s Moscow stage pic above)

Must be something else happened, surely?

Pig Flu. I mean honestly. Nice weather in the UK mostly. But Pig flu from Mexico? As my luvverly friend Michèle suggested when posed the question “What Next?” answered Sneezy Wotsits (We really are in the Twiglet Zone here). Does Porky Flu lead to Scratchings?

(Overseas readers please note: joke based on once popular British Snack)

OK, so I still care slightly about Eurovision, and with this year’s entry, the joy of Lloyd Chequebook coming last would actually thrill me, no end.

But in any case, Summer’s nearly here and it’s my first blog of the year...ah, but that’s maybe because I’ve been doing a bit’a twitter, an eke of facebook, a bunch of myspace bananas, and just a little of actually speaking to people. From the mouth. (OK, loadsa emails too)

But I’ve saved two one-line messages received on Facebook that made me twit..I mean titter:

One from the lovely Ms Gerry W:
Gerry Whelan has taken Hamish the ferret to the vet to be castrated.

And the other from the sweetly bolly-filled Brendan:
Brendan accepted a Justin from Marcus David James Sutton-Beynon using Sexy Hotties.

I’m thinking of evening classes in Tweetbook Speak.

Coupled with the 10 or so Stephen Fry daily tweets (well you’ve got to haven’t you? Well what he does is actually a damn sight more interesting that my life sadly but inevitably) and what do you get? Well, you get an inkling of what the two big techno gurus of our recent age Messrs Jobs and Gates suggested we all need. And that’s a “Digital Lifestyle”.

Yup, with your iPod, iPhone, Blackberry, laptop, bluetooth device, or even cuddly toy at your fingertips, the world is your lobster, that is, provided you don’t actually want to talk to anyone else.

Well I gotta make most of my future booze intake as digital only (post doc and gym advice) and as much as I’d love to regularly reach for the analog Gosset (a fine and highly recommended bubbly, thanks Mr. Dublin), it’s a case (if only) of admiring glances at the Berry Brothers and Rudd (or Oddbins, for you non St James’ people) online catalogue and pricelist, and heavy use of the imagination.

Mind you, fizzy water’s good, and you can find any combination of juices cartonned up by the delightful Waitrose currently so, my final words for the Tweetisphere are: enjoy the sun, one and all, Bali-ham is open to visitors bearing low alcohol gifts, (ok I’m allowed a couple of glasses), and let’s see if Gordon Brown survives the summer.

Adieu

bali-christof x

Let’s have a heated debate!

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:56:14 +0000

This is all really interesting to me (“Big Deal”- Herr Überblögeditor) and I hope somebody out there will comment a bit....

Standards. Are they worth diddly squat? They change and ebb and flow with ones own age and with the climate of the times, with the atmosphere of the medium or life situation, with the tempo of the broadcast or performance, and with the requirement or not for taste, subtlety and composure of the delivery of the conversation or programme.

So. Jonathan Ross it seems egged on Russell Brand to go “rather far” on a radio show phone-in prank. It led to speaking unpleasantries which the guys found funny, which the radio producer may have found amusing, and which afterwards a whole bunch of people interviewed on TV and radio also agreed was amusing, and that the subsequent hoo-hah was claimed by a lot of these folks to be veritable storm in what was originally a pretty insignificant teacup. Or was it?

What’s the truth of the matter? Well, there were only two complaints on the night of the broadcast (hey, maybe not so many listen to it, or maybe the target audience wasn’t offended, or perhaps whosoever might have been offended simply expected this kind of thing over our airwaves these days and didn’t bother to complain).

Then. Wa-hey. The tabloids etc suddenly report it. It’s re-broadcast on TV many a time with increasing frequency in the subsequent days. There are to date 30,000 complaints and cries for the two protagonists to be sacked. Brand resigns from his radio show after a couple of apologies, and Ross vaguely apologises, is reprimanded by initially being “suspended from the BBC” and then, his £18 million reputed contract is said to be in jeopardy.

Deep breath.

In MY humble opinion, Russell Brand is one of the most brilliantly funny and spontaneous comedians and broadcaster/performers I’ve ever heard. His podcasts from his Radio 2 show (available on iTunes) are absolutely hilarious without exception. His Channel 4 specials have been tours de force and it seems he has a sparkling movie career ahead. However, he dares to cross the line from time to time to challenge what’s tasteful and what’s not. Of course the subject of SEX rears its ugly head far too often in comedy generally as far as I’m concerned, and at times I find his swear-word riddled ranting meanderings into sexual activities all a bit lewd and cheap. Still, I do find him super amusing and talented on the whole.

Jonathan Ross on the other hand is a different matter. His professionalism has got him to where he is. As a host, he is polished and as a presenter quite reliable. What he does have though is, to my mind dear readers, no original talent whatsoever. His “act” is so self-important that I’ve always found his chat show unbearable (including his “musical” turn Four Poofs and A Piano, whom I’ve seen live and on the chat show, and they’re surely excruciatingly bad, aren’t they?).

So why does he host the British TV’s flagship film review show? Frankly, I have no idea. Never have done. Why the chat show? Is it because standards have slipped so far that sexual innuendo and self-promotion a “Light” Entertainment show make? In Britain certainly...in the USA, you literally can’t get away with what gets on UK TV. I don’t want to be stuffy and get all Mary Whitehouse about this, but I’d love to know if anyone finds Jonathan Ross talented in any way? Slick? Sure. Confident? Undoubtedly. A great film critic? Not for me. He can’t even do an interview with the new Bond film director without talking about his own ideas for Bond film titles. Hilarious and informative Mister Ross. He is, apparently, a really nice bloke too.

But is TV now pandering to the lowest common denominator? X-Factor and Celebrity Regurgitation Up The Jungle? How Many Times Can You Swear During This Interview? Come tango with me, I’m a rugby union full-back?

Maybe there’s truth in that. Maybe you think I want “Call my bluff” and “The Michael Parkinson Show”. Not at all, actually. Even though it seems that the main offendee Andrew Sachs’ grand-daughter is hardly a shrinking violet, that doesn’t excuse anyone simply being unkind, disrespectful, tasteless and even, many would say, so unfunny, anywhere, be it on national radio, TV, theatre or even at the pub. A reason why everyone is getting so angry too is that Andrew Sachs is old and cuddly and has been a bit of a national treasure for some time (can’t think that the outcry would be quite so loud if it had been, say, Russell Crowe perhaps).

That’s me tuppence worth. Standards? What do I know? I still eat Doner Kebabs....

If anyone would like to comment, as ever, please do, my box is open, my fingers are at the ready, and my entrance is available (tee hee, titter titter, oh that’s Julian Clary meets Graham Norton isn’t it? Doh....).

I thank you.

Cx

It used to be called Colemanballs...

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 20:36:47 +0100

Well it was along time ago when it started, this Colemanballs thing, and it’s still going strong as long as TV commentators are keen on twisting, turning, massaging, pulverising, mincing and generally destroying our beloved English Language....You see, it all started when the aforementioned sports commentator David Coleman (black and white picture above, now retired ignominiously, with no recognition by the BBC whatsoever, apparently cos he was an utter git) would truly mangle his way through an expression or phrase that would make no sense in any galaxy, or would sound downright silly...he used to speak so fast (yet so completely professionally) that he didn’t give himself time to think...

Come and visit one of my loos (that’s uh toilets, overseas readers) and rifle your way through a copy of Private Eye’s Colemanballs Collections (I have them all). So...it started with just David’s booboos, then spread to the rest of The British Broadcasting’s Elite spokespersons, commentators and gobbledegookites, and it’s still a major part of listening to anyone ramble on during such things as The Olympic Games.

If only I had space to list George Bush Junior’s er Bushballs.

So in this Olympics, covered in the UK by the BBC, we have some typically appalling masterpieces of verbal diarrhoea, noted by me below...well, I have been sick for a few days with the flu kinda thing, so I’ve been an avid viewer, and also, I used to be, wait for it, a statistician helping out with the IAAF (look it up!):

Paul Dickenson (field events, athletics) : Well, I must say, that’s literally unbelievable
Phil Jones (trackside, athletics) : So, in your mind, just how did you feel?
Competitor (track events, athletics) : Well I came here to do my best, and that’s what I did. I   gave 110%, but I’m disappointed cos I know I can do better
Steve Cram (track events, athletics) : Incidentally, by the way....
Hugh Porter (cycling) : That was certainly a great error of misjudgment
Jim Neilly (boxing) : Well you have to say that was a physical fight....

So there you are, with plenty more to come I’m sure...meantime, from my Coleman balls collection, here’s some classics:

"And coming round the bend, Juantorena opens his legs, and shows his class."   Ron Pickering (athletics, for it was he who really said that...)
"The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey." Brian Johnston (cricket)
"And for those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip."   John Motson (football)
"And John Snow’s hit him...oooh, that must have hurt. One ball left.." Peter West (cricket)
"Your carpenter is Harry Commentator." Frank Bough (presenter, Grandstand)
"This is a truly international field, no Britons involved." David Coleman (athletics)
"The game is finely balanced in Arsenal’s favour" John Motson (football)
"Well either side could win it, or it may even be a draw" Ron Atkinson (football & excessive bling)
"He’s now standing there, with his hands on his knees, holding his head in despair"   David Coleman (athletics)
"There’ll be only one winner now, in every sense." David Coleman (football)
"He’s literally smaller in real life than he is on the track" David Coleman (athletics)
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground" Alex Ferguson (football manager)
"There’s only one word for that - Magic Darts!" Sid Waddell (Darts commentator)
"When your back’s against the wall, it’s time to turn round and fight" John Major (ex PM)
"And down seven places to number five, it’s The Gibson Brothers" Kid Jensen (Top of the Pops)
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Ayrton Senna’s Lotus sounding rough?" Murray Walker (motor racing)
"I owe so much to my parents, particularly my mother and father" Greg Norman (golfer)
"I wish my doughnuts tasted like Fanny’s...." Michael Barrett (presenter of Nationwide)

and finally.........

"I don’t make predictions, and I never will" Paul Gascoigne (ex-footballer)

Until next time when we’ll know how much we’ve “medalled” - (Every BBC Commentator, yuk), chin-chin, Tsing Tao and Cheerio.

Cough Cough Splutter Splutter

Cx

By Popular Request, dire album covers!

Sat, 9 Aug 2008 13:32:34 +0100

OK, sorry for any repetition here, but I have been asked to collate all the appalling album covers that people have sent me for some wacky reason (Hi Paula! Hi Richard!) along with others I’ve found on the web, which I guess may well be © The Guardian online and © Coverbrowser ... so here we go (in reasonable size) for entertainment porpoises only...comments welcome for choice of the worst or even if you have your own, you can upload an image here too!

Enjoy! Christof x

Or: “That’s what I call a belated Happy New Year”

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:01:44 +0100

Welcome dear tortured überblogperuser to yet another vadrouille par mon esprit et coeur (go on, look it up, I’ve given you a start).

Well now, what a beginning of a year it’s been...and while we’re on the subject, I’m still mostly off the alcohol, am attempting to exercise (swimming, anyway) and sadly, the Gizel Kebab Takeaway is no longer receiving my hard publishing royalty and gigging earned cash...so I spit on your “Huh, No-one EVER sticks to a New Years’ Resolution”, and I say PISH to your “Don’t make me larf, you’ll NEVER chuck the booze”...etc etc etc

OK, so during this so-called “detox” I have rather enjoyed preparing a Zelexion of Gurreez Vun Veekend (Ta Mum, Madhur and Me for the recipes), but despite their calories, I’ve since become addicted to salads...however, there’s nothing quite so sad as eating a sun-ripened salad ingredient when the sky is dark dark dark grey (ok, black) at noon, and a day after a week or so ago where in London, it was minus 3 degrees Celsius, and we had no less than snow, rain, hail, sunshine, fog (on Clapham Common), sleet and thunder all on the same flipping day.....and I woulda liked a delicious hot roast with (cliche alert, cliche alert) ALL THE TRIMMINGS (traces of saliva newton-john finally have washed themselves down Mrs Sink). But what did I have? Yum. Dinner was home made boiling water in a cup of leek and potato slim-a-soup washing down a delicious cracker perched upon which was “Be Good To Yourself: Cottage Cheese and Chives”....if I wanted to be good to meself, I’d just eat a few pies....ah well...another day, another milligramme.....

Any road up, fiery daughter, this brings me insuccinctly to THE CREDIT CRUNCH. This phrase leapt obscenely from every single broadcasting orifice secreted on my property all at once. Tout á coup. Sharpish. In a mo. Before you could say, what the heck’s a credit crunch Blanche?

Well, I dunno. Even after watching a few programmes where people used the term a lot. Loads. Irritatingly so.

So I hope dear old Wikipedia don’t mind me quoting from them (after all, they are occasionally accurate): “A credit crunch is a sudden reduction in the availability of loans (or "credit") or a sudden increase in the cost of obtaining a loan from the banks”

So. That’s it, is it? Oh.

So the world is heading for disaster (again) because of this??? Sheesh.

And I thought it was because of the fact that someone’s trying to publish a Harry Potter Encyclopaedia, and JKR doesn’t like that, despite the fact she used to use the online version for reference, herself.

Ah well....

At least it’s the Year Of The Return Of Indiana Jones. He’ll save us. (Blogger’s note: It’s now June, seen the movie, and, er, he didn’t.)

See you soon

Hugs

Christof Currently of Clapham. Below, pictures of me and my personal trainer. xx

2007 and all that TAT!

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:16:18 +0000

So here we all are...end of 2007 (nearly..well, the Christmas Shop-front decorations went up in Bond Street, London W1 in AUGUST (yikes) not to mention the same old same old Oxford Street stuff and that’s BEFORE the Christmas Doctor Who special...ah well. ) In a world dominated by rich Western countries saying our life should be money money money (Can’t wait for my iPod Touch, Santa) and the rest of the world much closer to poverty, cruelty, death galore and Religion Fighting Back, let’s just consider the gorgeous things in life. Like the Deal or No Deal Christmas game....fun for ALL the family (if you think Noel Edmunds deserves any more cash and fame..). Like Kylie Minogue appearing in the Xmas Doctor Who (yep, that again). Like the first play of Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody on the radio. Like attaching all those pre-stickied stamps on those yet to be bought Christmas Cards in the vain hope that THIS year, they might arrive...the Clapham post still hasn’t got back to normal after the strikes...actually...how about friends, family, music, love’n’hugs, and just a little Veuve Cliquot......

The Chartz and TOTP!

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 12:02:43 +0100

I have to confess, somewhat late in life, that the only ambition I’ve ever yes EVER had was to appear on Top of The Pops (a UK TV Popular Music programme for all you blissfully unaware overseas non-UK types) and mime to a tune that entered the “Pop Charts” at number 36 and was “Climber of The Week” or some such thing.... I’d wear two-tone velvet loons natch, and mime really badly for fear of seeming too goody goody....

Never made it though. Did do some charty telly (Razzmatazz anyone?) and even did the Der Deutsche TOTP called Formul Einz. Ja! Ein bier bitte.....(Thanks to AG for that)

Memories of TOTP? Marc Bolan, always....The Rolling Stones doing Brown Sugar live (and brilliantly), Bowie Jean Genie (also live, with the fluffed bass notes!), The Bay City Rollers and Mud (oh Gawd), the 60s and 70s pre video black and white “films” to accompany US acts’ songs when the were too expensive to fly in...gene Pitney mimng terribly, Soft Cell and Culture Club..MY GAWD, they’re POOFS aren’t they?...Dusty Springfield miming in b/w,

It started in 1964! Phew....Then in the late nineties, the programme, and probably the charts themselves, became irrelevant.....MTV, Adam Ant and Queen videos (who said Gary Numan?), Michael Jackson, lower singles sales, naff presenters, and it all just slipped away...

The UK Charts are now compiled by The UK Charts Company...whatever happened to that wonderful feeling rushing home from school to write down the Top 40 on a Tuesday afternoon compiled by the British Market Research Bureau??? WELL, I had it...love a duck, I used to love that delicious combination of MUSIC and LISTS! (I’m a Virgo, OK?) These days, the Top 40 are announced by “JK and JOEL” on Radio One on a Sunday. Oh right. Them.

Who, dear reader(s), knows what is the UK Number One this 26th August 2007 eh?

Well it’s “Stronger” by Kanye West, while the Gym Class Heroes are soaring up (ie another four copies sold this week) at number 5 with “Clothes Off”, though interestingly-ish, new in at number 19 is Elvis Presley with My Baby Left Me.

Downloads have changed the world just like Videos Killed The Radio Stars. Kinda thing.

YOUR fave moments in TOTP history???? By all means, comment away.....then tune in for next time’s TOP OF THE BLOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

cx