Marilee Anderson has a vivid nightmare. She watches as an assailant murders Barbara (a woman who lives on the sixth floor of her building) in cold blood. When she wakes up, she finds out that Barbara really was murdered like in her dream. Naturally her dream makes her the prime suspect in the murder. Adding to this is the victim’s brother David who wants answers. The duo must learn to trust one another, find the murderer before he finds them, and make sure they don’t end up being arrested by the police.

The plot is excellent. I didn’t figure out who the killer was till the end. What I liked most about the book was the author’s handling of Domestic Violence. As October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, I thought I’d do a little analysis of the psyche of a victim.

Victim mentality misconceptions

One of the things I often find concerning is that people believe that victims of domestic violence have personality traits that lend themselves to being a victim- being passive. I don’t agree. Victims come in all shapes, colors, personality, and religions. I think that one thing people often forget is that Domestic Violence is a process that escalates. No woman starts off being beaten on day one of the relationship. Things start slowly i.e. isolation. Over time it becomes worse. Relationships are an emotional process that can be exploited; and this is what batterer’s do. So I believe that under the right circumstances, anyone can end up being a victim in an abusive relationship.

I liked the way the author dealt with this misconception. The book focuses on two women Barbara and Marilee. There is a tenuous connection between the women because they both have been in relationships with Jason Tremont. Both women have radically different backgrounds. It appears that Marilee was brought up in a nurturing Christian environment, whereas Barbara was brought up in an environment where Christianity was used to justify the most un-Christian of acts. Barbara ran away in her later teens and decided to forego education to marry a man who abused her as much as her father. Marilee went to college, took and MBA, and was successfully running a small consulting business. I don’t think that anyone is surprised by the fact that Barbara ends up in an abusive relationship. In fact I’d wager that most people probably figured that she would become a statistic. Marilee on the other hand is different. Most people probably think of her as a quite powerful due to her business acumen. I think most people probably figure that some how those extra initials at the end of her name plus her large paycheck would removed her from something like abuse; yet and still we see her nearly raped.

For me the most poignant character of the whole book was David. I think the author did an excellent job with developing his psychology throughout the book. I have extensive personal experience with Domestic Violence, and I can tell you none of David’s story is farfetched. So I’m going to give you a crib sheet of sorts of signs that an individual may be in an abusive relationship.

Father had a leadership position in the church. It is not uncommon that batterers seek position of control anywhere. The statistics show that there are higher percentages of batterers in the following professions: law enforcement and military.

Hyper-family oriented. I realize that there is a family bond, but this can be taken to unhealthy extremes. It is been my experience that when family is end all and be all there are some dirty little secrets lurking beneath the surface.

The Children have no friends. Especially, in a Christian context there are a number of ways parents can spiritually black mail their children into silence. My personal favorite is the 5th commandment. Honor thy Father and thy Mother that thy days may be long in the land... Take that in combination with the Bible stories about those who rebelled against God and were struck down. Well, trust me, this will guarantee compliance. In addition parents won’t want their children hanging around other kids because they don’t want anything to slip out. Kids tell each other things; and it would only take one observant adult to notice bruises.

Wearing inappropriate clothing for the weather or unexplained injuries. When you see kids wearing practically winter clothing in summer, it’s to hide injuries. Also there may be unexplained injuries cause by a child trying to protect the abused parent.

Emotional apathy or suspicion. Children growing up in abusive homes do not respond to things normally. Often times they engage in escapism or emotionally shut down as a way of coping with what they are going through. Children (even into their adult years) find it difficult to trust people.

Anger. No one enjoys growing up in an abusive household. Anger and bitterness become constant companions. It is very easy for children to become angry very easily.

Overachiever. Children often set extraordinarily high standards for themselves for a few reasons. First the battering parent may expect perfection from the child. Second, since the child has no self-worth, they reach for the sky in order to prove that they are in fact worth something.

How should you treat a victim?

One of many things I found interesting about this book was Marilee’s response on finding out that David was abused as a child. Marilee to her credit did try to keep her feelings and thought from affecting the way she treated David. Many who deal with victims have a harder time with this. It can be difficult to know how to treat a victim. Some victims may be quite broken; others may continue to function in a “normal” fashion. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Never assume. Unfortunately some well meaning people assume that those who grow up in households where DV exists are either broken (if females) or possible abusers (if men). Now yes, there are statistics that show that boys who grow up in abusive household have greater odds of becoming a batterer. This determination, however, must be made on a case by case basis. Many men who grew up in abusive households choose not to become like their fathers. When I did volunteer work while in law school, I can tell you that probably 90% of the people who volunteered dealt with DV as a child which is why they were volunteering. Do I think that any of those guys will batter their wives- no. I think those men made a conscious decision in their lives. The same thing goes for women. Not all females become the statistic that goes out and gets married ASAP. Many go on to have normal lives.

Don’t psychoanalyze unless you are the shrink. One thing that is really annoying is to have people constantly reading deeper meaning into everything you say to see how the abuse effects the thinking. Sometimes not liking strawberry ice cream just means that the victim does not like strawberry ice cream. Don’t get me wrong, victims are in need of counseling. But leave it to the professionals please.

Treat them as you would want to be treated. As discussed above, many times children in abusive households don’t have friends. This tread may continue as they enter adult simply because they have never been in the practice of making friends. Invite them out when you go bowling or to movies. Don’t be discouraged if they say no. It may take them a little bit to get used to the idea of going out to have fun.

Being there is enough. It’s difficult to know what to say when they tell you their problems. That’s all right. Some times just being there to listen and console is really all that is needed. Don’t feel that you have to be Superman and rescue them from their problems.

Dream or Destiny is out in bookstores. I have added a link for you to purchase the book through this site. Tomorrow, I will be posting a podcast of my interview with Lillie Amman. We go into a little more discussion on Domestic Violence. Please listen, and please tell a friend. Lillie has her own website which is www.lillieammann.com.

I hope that you have enjoyed my articles on Domestic Violence. Ok, enjoy is a poor choice of words. Hopefully

Oh, I almost forgot! Lillie has graciously given me an autographed copy of her book. If you would like this copy, leave a comment on this review or the podcast. The raffle closes in a week, then I will announce the winner.