I have been tagged by the fruity Kate from Montana and thought I should do something about it as a fair bit of time has now elapsed. Especially as Kate needs something trivial and futile to distract her from the Biblically proportioned hailstones of Bozeman and a growing obsession with Kudzu vines.
I have decided that, while happy to share six things with anybody bored enough to read this, I am not going to pass it on. I do this because I have, in my life, sold Amway stuff and am aware of the depressing nature of pyramids.
Likewise I was given an Arte Y Pico Award by Happy Mouffetard: I was, of course, flattered and honoured to be given such an excruciatingly hideous trophy but am not going to award it to anybody else: mostly because you’ve all got them already.
I considered awarding them anonymously to people who write pornographic blogs but I couldn’t be bothered in the end - and the idea of reading a lot of badly written erotica was too much to contemplate (most of it probably involves Matthew Wilson anyway).
So my six things:
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1.I have four tattoos (all above the waist). The first (a spider on my left arm) I got in a very small and grubby shop on the Finchley Road when I was about 22. The second was a bumble bee on my right shoulder blade a year later (drawn by a stoned tattooist in the Kings Road - he was tattooing me while simultaneously trying to persuade a girl to remove her T-shirt). The third was a rearing dragon on my chest - done in a smokey basement just off the Fulham Road when I was 25. The fourth is on my right arm and is of my family crest (a elephant and a constellation of stars). This was done about three years ago in Selfridges so you can see how revoltingly respectable I have become as I get older.
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2.I could easily have been taught maths by Rach at The Big Sofa’s father. Although I am appallingly bad at maths: I took my maths O Level five times (the same number of times that I took my driving test before scraping through) before giving it up and going for a CSE instead. A CSE was a very low rent version and probably involved wooden blocks, wax crayons, beads and fitting shapes into slots. This well rounded (and very enjoyable) education set me up perfectly for one of my first jobs which was in the first ever MacDonalds to open in London: much to my chagrin I was sacked before I earned any of those gold stars they wear on their name badges.
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3.The first gardening job I was ever paid for was to prune a very large honeysuckle. It was three stories high and rather magnificent (in a sprawly sort of way) and I had no idea what I was doing. It ended up 18” high. I have also laid Susan George’s kitchen floor, cleared out George Best’s girlfriend’s shed (I didn’t know she was George’s girlfriend until he appeared on the terrace looking a bit rough and wearing a pale blue towelling robe that was rather shorter than necessary), planted window boxes for Sinitta (big deal, I hear you say). I also pruned Terry Jones’s Clematis montana: an operation that involved a very unstable cherry picker which had to be counterbalanced by somebody leaning out the other way - as if sailing a fast dinghy - when at full stretch.
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4.I have four pairs of identical RM Williams boots and seven Akubra hats. I also (just to prove that I am not just a one hat pony) have a very nifty Lock and Co straw hat,two fencing masks, a Basque beret, two Fezes, a couple of odd skull cappy things that I sometimes wear when drawing, a hard hat in the shape of a stetson, a fleece cap with ear flaps, a Russian army fur hat and vast Chilean sun hat with particularly elegant claret coloured tassels. I have always been keen on slightly odd clothes: my wife remembers with horror that when she first met me I was wearing jodphurs and a pair of brown knee length riding boots. In order to ensure that my children are still prepared to talk to me in public I am more conservative nowadays. I got my first Akubra hat in about 1988. I have never been to Australia.
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5.I heartily dislike frightening films. I get no pleasure and can see no attraction in being scared out of my pants. I do, however, get irrational obsessions with certain (not very good) films. For example The Wild Geese which is a mercenary film with a spectacular cast list, The Karate Kid and Footloose . I was briefly in love with Lori Singer.
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6.Finally a clattering of short facts: I am very good at Trivial Pursuit. I am keen but not very good at Fencing. I can juggle. I have never ever won a game of racing demon. My brother has a beard. I can dance an Eightsome Reel with great verve. I have more hair than Joe Swift. I am a lousy shot. I hate hanging curtains and painting. I have never seen Ann-Marie Powell naked. I enjoy rain.
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I am listening to Abandoned Masquerade by Diana Krall. The picture is of Achillea Walther Funcke.
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(By the way, if anybody is still having a problem with leaving comments you could try changing this site’s address in your RSS reader or wherever from http://web.mac.com/blackpittsgarden/Site_2/Blog/Blog.html to http://web.me.com/blackpittsgarden/Site_2/Blog/Blog.html. Might work: my apologies for anybody who has been inconvenienced.)
